Breaking the Cycle: Who will you choose?

In my last two posts I have talked about breaking the cycle.  As I said, I am surrounded by cycle-breakers and I love it.  God blesses those who earnestly seek him (Hebrews 11:6, Proverbs 8:17.)

One particular young man has been steadily breaking chains throughout his entire adult life, but recently, I've watched him come to a decision he hasn't made as easily as the others.

This man was born into a world without a father who cared for him.  His mother had eight kids with a few different men, and so he was raised by his mother and step-father with two other step-siblings and a mixture of family members moving in and out of the house.

As a young boy this man had a dream to grow up and be a preacher some day, but as the emptiness of a broken home set in, he soon lost this vision to drugs, alcohol, and women.  Throughout high school he was rarely out of the principals office.  He dabbled in gangs, skipped most classes, and even became a rapper of terribly degrading music.  Anyone who knew him then said he would be in jail before graduation.

Fortunately for him the grace of God stepped in, as it does for all of us at some point or another.  It was the fall he turned seventeen that this young man made his first big choice towards breaking the sinful cycles in his family and in his own life.  At a student-lead bible study, he gave his life to Christ on his knees in prayer with a fellow Christian male.

For the next two years he made choice after choice--all reflecting the grace of God he had washed his life with.  Nothing was slowing him down.  Each day he woke up in an atmosphere of smoke, profanity, and hatred, and yet he prayed his way through the attacks of Satan.  I even watched him conquer loosing special people in his life, some of which went to be eternally with Christ, others who are now spending eternity in hell.  Throughout these times, he grew closer to God, grieving with a counselor and studying the Word for guidance.

So for the past five years this man has chosen God over and over again, but this time I wonder what he will choose.  We've all prayed, poured into, and helped out as much as God's spirit will allow us too.  We all hope and want the best for him.  We want him to choose God one more time, once and for all, to give this heavy burden over to him.

You see, there was one area of his life, he hasn't let go of yet.  One area he refuses to lay at Christ's feet.  This is often the hardest area for all of us to lay down, probably because of its high level of importance. This area that I am referring to is dating.  Relationships.

Over six months now, I have watched him fight with God, telling him that he will get married to who he wants when he wants, no matter what.  I've watched him do this a million times, and every time God wins.

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting to get different results.  Well, that's what he's doing.  He has controlled relationship after relationship, rebelling against God's model to trust and obey the timing and placing of all he has planned.  And this time seems to be his last choice.

In Romans, the bible talks about Gods amazing grace, how he gives and he gives and he gives, but ultimately there comes a choice where we choose infinitely who we will serve, and when we choose ourselves for the last time, God gives us over to our flesh.  That's the point where this man is at.  Years of cycle-breaking potentially washed down the drain.  What will he do?  What will I do, besides watch and pray?

Rise up cycle breakers.
How will you choose?

Joshua 24:15

"Choose you this day whom ye will serve;
whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the flood,
or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land ye dwell:
but as for me and my house, we will serve the LORD."

Are you a cycle-breaker?  Send your story to divinedating.org@gmail.com for a chance to be featured on a post.

George Bailey: A Boundryless Man

The last few weeks I have been reading a book by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, called Boundaries.  Although I'm only one third through the book, I am beginning to really understand what these wise men are talking about.

The first week I read the book I couldn't possibly see how any of it applied to my life.  Quickly after the fact, God revealed to me how much I people-please and often let others walk over me.  Since then I have continued reading the book and I am already seeing changes in my lifestyle and relationships.  I also have seen a deep continued need for setting boundaries in my own life.

Yesterday a group of friends and I went to the local theater and watched the 1946 American classic, It's a Wonderful Life, with James Stewart and Donna Reed.  One of my favorite Christmas movies, my family has watched this film every year since the day I was born probably.  This year however, I picked up on an altogether different theme as I watched it for the thousandth time.

DISCLAIMER: 

If you have not seen the movie, I highly recommend you do.  I apologize if I refer to something you do not understand.  If this tends to be the case, check out the movie and then come reread this post.  Better yet, read the book too, then maybe my babbling will make complete sense!

About half way through George Bailey's life, (the main character of the film) I began to see exactly what Dr. Cloud and Dr. Townsend had been teaching me about all week.  The poor man can't say no to anyone!  George turned down EVERY desire of his in order to help others.

When he was a kid, he lost the hearing in his right ear to save his kid brother.  As a young adult, he gave his college money to his brother while he took care of his father's old loan building.  George Bailey gave money to everyone who asked, even when he didn't have it.  In fact, he even handed out the $2,000 he saved for his honeymoon!  Once again, because of his inability to say no, he never even took his wife on a honeymoon.

Time after time again, George Bailey represses his desires in exchange for the needs of the greater public.  Yes, I realize the point of the movie isn't boundaries, but this is just a clear picture of it.  As explained in Boundaries, the more we repress our own desires, thoughts, and feelings on account of other people, the more anger and bitterness we store up inside of us.  This eventually gets us to the point where our yes doesn't mean yes, and our no doesn't mean no (Matthew 5:37.)

In the movie, we watch George Bailey go throughout his entire life, never telling a single person no.  As explained, all of his resentment and anger builds itself up, until at last he explodes with anger, letting everyone he loves feel scared and belittled.

The breaking point for all of this anger, is when his business partner, Uncle Billy, misplaces $8,000 of the company's money.  Because George does not clearly understand boundaries, (where his responsibility ends and another's begins) he once again takes full blame for a mistake that would lead him to jail.  The following scene truly captures his unclear thinking in boundaries when Potter asks him, "You misplaced $8,000 dollars?"  and George replies, "yes."

Unfortunately, the director of this movie didn't read the book Boundaries, so we watch the entire movie, and despite a happy ending, George never learns to say no, nor let go of others' responsibilities.  If you have read Boundaries you probably understand where I am coming from.  Those of you who haven't read it, again I encourage you to do so, so that my point can be made for me. lol just kidding...sort of...

I will write a review for Boundaries when I finish reading, thus making this post more understandable.  Happy Monday everyone and thanks for reading!

Addiction Example 2

Attention from the opposite sex.

Another example of this addiction is found more commonly in twenty-somethings.  Your young but your adult, your finished with school, out on your own, and it's just time to get married.  After years of singlehood, there's no way you'd ever fall for a bum!  ...or is there?

I've seen this happen to far too many young women.  They spend a period of time waiting for Mr. Right, promising themselves nothing and no one will get in there way when it comes to marrying tall, dark, godly, and handsome.  

But suddenly Mr. Average Joe comes along!  Joe is nothing special.  He has an old car, no job, and a crustache.  Ew.  On first look almost any woman would turn him down without a second glance, but then you have Desperate Darla over there still waiting for Mr. Right.  At 27 years old, Darla isn't giving anyone the buzzer instantly.  So she decides to give Joe a small, long-shot chance.  They go on one mediocre ice-cream date and exchange numbers for future reference.

Little does Darla know how starved for male attention she is.  After a few weeks of chit-chat texting, Darla is starting to think Joe looks pretty good.  What was once a jobless, creepy, weird man is now the sender of text messages that make Darla's heart flutter.  Although Darla knows deep down that this man is going nowhere with his life, she admits to herself that she likes the idea of having someone check up on her every now and again, okay so maybe every night...but who's it hurting?  All her best friends have husbands to talk to daily, why can't she have someone to text throughout the boring parts of the day?

And so before you know it Darla and Joe are married and hating every minute of it.  She is fed up with his laziness and he can't deal with her high demands.  Why in the world did she get herself into this mess anyways?

Think back a little bit and you will see that the relationship started purely because Darla liked the attention of a male caller, (or should I say texter.)  Once again I tell you that the desire for male attention is not a bad thing in and of itself.  It becomes a sin when we let it control us, and when we go to it for comfort, protection, and fulfillment rather than going to God.  

The correct thing for Darla to do would have been to pray about the first meeting of Joe, asking God for a clear  yes or no.  If the feelings remained she should have taken each heart fluttering to God for a holy check-up to ensure if the feelings were purely rational or emotional.

Do you think you've been trapped by the feeling of attention rather than the choice of love?  Is there someone you're with right now solely for the sake of being with someone?  Are you afraid of being on your own?  Perhaps you should let God take a look at your heart and decide what you need for once. :) 

The Addiction

(Continued from What is the #1 Addiction?)

Attention from the opposite sex.

That's the number one tactic Satan uses against young single women.  Actually he starts using it when we are young and single, but depending on our reaction it could last a lifetime.  If you think this sounds like a natural, normal desire, you're right.  It is 100% normal to want attention from the opposite sex, in fact I would be worried if you didn't want some sort of attention from them.  However, as with most things, the desire becomes sin when it is placed above your desire for God, and from my study and experience as a teenage girl, I know that this can become quite an idol for most of us.

Let's start small.  Think of that innocent 6th grade girl you know.  She's very cute, kind of shy, but oh so boy crazy!  She may not talk much at school, but around her friends and family all she can mention is the cute boys at school.  The family giggles and thinks it's adorable, and her friends encourage her to pursue these young men.  In fact, from the girl's point of view you would learn to think that liking several different guys at once was a wonderful thing!  Everyone thinks it's adorable, so why try and control it?

Then one day two of these men she has been secretly infatuated with, begin to flirt with her.  Her heart flutters, her mind spins, and she does all she knows to do, she flirts back.  She begins to text these two boys "innocently," playing silly flirting games that teenagers do at that age.  Her family and friends are now very impressed at the sudden interest of TWO young males.  Again, no one does anything to discourage her from this behavior, so she carries on, doing what feels "right" to her 6th grade emotions.

A few months go by and her family starts to get concerned.  "Sweetie, you can't date both of them.  You should either pick one or the other," says her Dad.  Her friends seem to be getting a little jealous lately, and she's noticed they don't come around near as often.  Confused, emotional, and a little stressed, she continues doing what she has always been told was right.  She follows her feelings.

Uh-oh.  What happens when she still has feelings for both guys?  On top of that, there are still a few other nice guys in the background she wonders about too.  Perhaps if she could keep these two she could try out a few others as well?  After all, everyone thought her 6th grade crushes were adorable!  So by the 8th grade she is juggling 3 or 4 different guys, without seriously dating any of them.  Because her friends have left her and parents don't approve, she keeps things secret.

Months and months of texting, Facebooking, and writing notes to these "little flings" of hers, and her heart has had more damage than a carton of eggs at the bottom of a grocery basket.  You see, what started out as innocent fun and games has led to an addiction of attention, affection, and admiration.  With each flirtatious text she sends out a little piece of her special feminine beauty, letting another man in on her secrets.  Not only is she giving away parts of her heart to men who will never be called her husband, but she is feeding her desire for male attention.

By the time she is in high school she has no idea how to behave as a single woman.  Why?  Because for the past 3 years of her life she has ALWAYS had several guys texting her phone, calling her house, and telling her how beautiful she is.  Even if it wasn't always positive attention, it was attention.  

One day as she sat alone in her room, she picks up her phone to realize it's broken.  She goes to the computer only to realize the internet is down.  Frustrated, she sits in the floor and for the first time in years, looks up to her first love, the one who gave her life.  An exhale of chaos leaves her lungs as she closes her eyes and says, "Lord, how have I strayed so far from you?  What do I need to do to come back into your presence?"  It was at that point she realized the addiction she had been feeding.  At that point she realized these men would never really satisfy her soul, and it was at that point she submitted her desperate need for a God much bigger than all of this worldly stuff.  

Perhaps you know a young woman like this.  Will you stand with the rest of the world and let this happen?  How can you lovingly show her a better way?

Or maybe this young girl is you currently and you're beginning to become aware of an addiction in the making.  What do you need to do keep your heart and mind focused on Christ?

And finally, perhaps you are an older woman, and you are now seeing a lifelong pattern that needs to be changed.  You too were fooled by the world, but you too can come clean and refreshed through the love of Jesus.

Matthew 11:28

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

God first. Others second. Matthew 22:37-39

This is lust.

A couple days ago, one of my professors randomly asked, “At what point does a boy stop being a boy and become a man? He of course, was just being facetious, not wanting an actual answer, but the next morning in my quiet time I feel like God showed me the answer.

1 Corinthians 13:11 says, “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.” I always thought this verse was just about growing up and being responsible, but as I studied it yesterday, I realized that the author here is talking about love.

Love is a hard thing to do. It’s unnatural. It only comes from and through God. So for a man to purposely love a woman, it is the bravest thing he will ever do. It’s also the most mature thing he will do, because he is choosing to set aside his desires and encourage and point her toward Christ.

Some of you may be confused right now, let me explain something. Society has taught us that love is 2 weeks of dating someone and feeling giddy when they call. They have also taught us that sex is love and that if you have a strong desire for someone, you must be in love. If love is supposed to be perfect, life-changing, and last forever, why do these things leave us feeling depressed, lonely and confused afterwards?

That’s because the previous mentioned are examples of lust not love. Lust is directed inward. It’s me saying, “This is what I want, and I am going to do whatever it takes to get it.” It’s a man saying, “I want that girl’s body so I will feel better about myself. I need her to make me look good.” Or “I’m lonely tonight; maybe I’ll call up ____ so I can be comforted right now.” Lust thinks short term, (I want it now, I need you baby, call me now, I can’t be alone.) Lust is what you do for physical satisfaction right now. It’s easy, it’s natural, it’s satisfying the sinful nature just like we have all done since the day we were born. A baby wants attention, so it cries till it gets some. If a woman wants someone to hold her, she’ll flirt till she finds someone. Again, lust focuses on me and what I want. It’s inward.

So if everything we ever thought about love is actually lust, then what is love?

That lesson will be following shortly…

If you’re in a relationship right now, do you see lust rather than love? Is your relationship easy because it seems “natural” to want to be with him? Could that be because you are satisfying the desires of lust rather than love?

If you struggle with being single do you recognize your desire for a relationship being more based on lust than love? Do you easily fall in “desire” for men? Is this so you can feed your flesh rather than your spirit (lust not love)?

Samson's Consequences

So I was going to call this post “Samson’s Second Mistake,” but then I realized I am kind of out of order with the story.  The real order of these posts should be like this:

Samson’s First Mistake
"Should I tell my boyfriend everything??"
This one. (Samson's Consequences)

Sorry for my silly confusion!  Anyhow, continuing from yesterday’s post, we know that Samson ignored the warning signs that Delilah was trying to kill him and decided to stay with her because he was “in love.”  This was his first mistake.

His second mistake was talked about in "Should I tell my boyfriend everything??"  I discussed how serious of a mistake it was for Samson to tell Delilah “all that was within his heart.”  I didn’t however discuss the consequences he faced because of that action.

Going back a step
In Judges 16, Samson finally breaks down and tells Delilah his strength is in his hair.  This was both a mistake of pride and a mistake of sharing too much of his heart.  Pride because he had the idea in his head that he was indestructible and telling a woman his weakness wouldn’t hurt him any.  How wrong he was. 

This was also a mistake of sharing too much of his heart, and we know that because Proverbs 4:23 and Micah 7:5-7 tells us that there are parts of our hearts reserved for God alone. (Read "Should I tell my boyfriend everything??" for more information.)

What happened?
So Samson makes the mistake of telling Delilah his weakness.  Of course, she calls her Philistine buddies in to test the theory—lo and behold it worked!  She woke him up saying, “Samson, the Philistines are upon you!”  He awoke and tried to rise and fight, but verse 20 says “But he did not know that the Lord had left him.”

Ouch.  Do you know what it feels like to have God leave you?  Did you blame God?  Get mad at him?  Scream to his face?

Or 

Did you stop and think, "where did I push him away?"  When did my pride step in and start taking control?  What did I do to disobey my heavenly father?

Taking the second approach can lead you back to God, repentance, and life.  This is a humble man’s attitude towards God, realizing that He his sovereign over all and we are mere humans who screw everything up when not in God’s perfect and pleasing will.

The first choice, however, can lead you to depression, destruction, and ultimately death.

Samson’s Choice
If you go back and look at the first part of "Should I tell my boyfriend everything??" I briefly discussed Samson’s arrogant personality.  Because he was very cocky and powerful, do you think he chose the first choice of hating God, or do you think he chose the humble man’s approach?

Sadly enough, Samson through a pity party instead of humbling himself.  After his head had been shaved and his strength (God) had left him, the Philistines wanted him to come entertain them; so he did.  He entered the arena with rage and hatred, screaming to God, “Please strengthen me just once more, and let me with one blow get revenge on the Philistines for my two eyes.”

Then Samson reached up and grabbed two pillars holding up the temple and pushed them up so that everything came falling down, crushing him and many others.

More Consequences…
Then the bible says, “Thus he killed many more when he died than while he lived.”  Basically he committed suicide and killed more people by doing that than he had while he was alive (which was a lot considering he won many battles.) 

I think suicidal thoughts creep in when we focus too much on ourselves.  Like Samson, we struggle with pride and often try to make all things about us, rather than God.  Suffering: for example. So a loved one dies, our natural tendency is to throw a poor me party and cry, blame God, become depressed, and eventually talk ourselves into possible suicide.  This is not at all God’s plan.

Even death and suffering is not about us.  If we make it about us the outcome will most definitely be miserable like Samson’s story proved.  And we will also negatively affect more people than almost anything else.

On the Contrary
On the flip side, if we chose to live our lives for something far greater than ourselves or any human establishment, we will see the hope, love, and mercy that God has shown us all.  Therefore rejoicing in his grace and passing it on to others, sharing the joy of true life with them.  Do you see now why God wants the best for you?  Do you see how he wants to include you in his wonderful plan?

What are you mad about?  What have you blamed God for that has been hurting you?  Perhaps you need to spend some time sharing that hurt and pain with God and letting him know how you feel.  Then lay down “you.”  Turn upward and focus on God.  Ask him to show you HIS great plan over yours. Tell him to show you how life focused on Him is far better than life focused on you.

Samson's first mistake...

So last post I talked about Samson and Delilah, and how Samson made a huge mistake by telling Delilah all that was within his heart.  Today we’re going to look a little closer at Samson’s actions and the consequences of those actions.

Judges 16:4 tells us that Samson fell in love with a girl named Delilah.  Sometime after that Delilah asked him over and over again to tell her his secret…each time she would test whatever he said in hopes of seriously taking his strength.  When he told her he would lose his strength if she chained him up, she tried it while he was sleeping.  She had been offered money to find his weakness, so this was her underling motivation. 

The thing is, after being tricked 3 or 4 times, you would think Samson would see a red flag with Delilah.  I mean, the woman was trying to literally take his strength, yet he stayed with her…

I see so many couples, people, students, girls, guys—that get into relationships, “fall in love” way too quickly, and then come to me because they want out, they’re tired of this abusive relationship, but they won’t leave because “they love him.”  Even though their relationship is full of hatred, cussing, abuse, and God knows what else—they stay with him for those 10 minutes of love he gives her every so often. Why?

Your father in heaven has called you a princess! He loves you and thinks you are the most special thing ever created!  He has a role designed for you and he has plans to give you purpose and meaning!  Let Him love you.  God not only thinks you deserve better, but he knows.  He has the man picked out already. 

Samson mistake #1:  When the first red flag comes up, run.  If your special someone is trying to cut off your strength, it’s time to leave.

 Christian love in the Bible tells us to edify, encourage, help, pray, and teach each other—so that by our actions we will help others get closer to Christ himself.  That’s what love is. 1 John 4:16

If the guy you are dating doesn’t live with this mentality he does not love you.  He lusts you.  1 John 4:8 look it up.

Are you with a guy just because it’s comfortable or easy?  Do you ever wonder if God has something more for you?  Why waste your heart on someone who isn’t yours?

Samson’s other mistakes coming soon…