Is there really such thing as "Taking it Slow?"

I while back I had several of my close Christian friends reassure me that their relationship was 100% focused on God.  How do they reassure me?  With the ever-frightening phrase, "We're just taking it slow."

I always sigh in disappointment as I read the text with that phrase in it.  Taking it slow.  Taking it slow compared to what??  A worldly relationship?  Because all that means is that you haven't slept together yet.

Let me explain a few things that have really helped me grasp the nature of relationships.  First of all, relationships are progressional.  That means it's a one way street.  Relationships are constantly moving forward.  There is no backwards, even if you break up and go back out again, you will still be starting where you left off.

Think about it.  Every relationship has the same basic rules of progression.  Initial attraction, extensive talking, friendly physical touch, and so on and so on.  The most common relationship I see at my age and generation is the deceitful "talking" relationship.  This is what the majority of Christians consider a slow relationship, however they are completely wrong.

I'm not sure if this is a regional term, so I will explain.  Talking is when a couple shows sincere interest in one another but they don't necessarily want to make the commitment of a dating relationship.  Therefore they hang out together, talk on the phone in mass amounts, and text each other fairly often.  I guess the term comes from the idea that most of the relationship is based on talking rather than doing.

The problem with this is that it's not at all slow, and it's not at all safe, especially when you're talking about guarding your heart.  A texting conversation is like being completely alone with another person.  You have freedom to talk about whatever you want without fear of anyone walking in, asking questions, or interrupting.  Each party has more control this way because the conversation only changes by what is typed.

  Facial expressions, initial reactions, and surrounding distractions are put away and out of mind in this situation.  That leaves your heart right there in the open for the other person's entertainment.  Would you spend 16 hours a day in an empty closet facing this person face to face in conversation?  Would you share the things you have shared with them if you had been face to face?

No.  Truth is that we all feel more comfortable and confident through writing.  Ask any professional writing student and they will tell you that they are most vulnerable when they are on paper.  In real life they are quiet, shy, and reserved.  Writing is an escape to share your true feelings and ideas, whether that writing is through journaling, blogging, letters, Facebook, or texting.

Just like you and your resume, a person who presents themselves through writing is giving you part truth and part fictional character to some degree.  This is why so many young couples do better "talking" than they do actual dating and hanging out together.  It's much easier and less complicating to fall in love with a fictional character.  50% of it is what your mind makes it.


Secondly, because relationships are progressional, there is no such thing as slow.  All relationships have one of two outcomes: marriage or break-up.  They are all headed towards one of these two ends.  Now because I don't know anyone who willingly walks into failure and heartache, I'm going to assume you did not know this.

With that being said, let's stop and ask ourselves a few questions.

• Are you ready to get married right now?
• Can you support yourself and a house payment financially?
• Are you finished living for yourself as an independent individual?  Tired of going out with the girls every Saturday night and staying out as long as you want?
• Have you finished school and all the adventurous, silly things you want to do before settling down?
• Do you have a place to live?  Can you fully afford the bills, groceries, and necessities?
• Are you completely joyful with God and only God, or do you feel empty?
• Have you found your soul and healed your wound?

Then why are you looking for marriage?

Better yet, why are you consumed with dating?

God can heal whatever hole that is within you.  Take your loneliness, pain, hurt, and discontentment to him first, not another human being.  Matthew 6:33

Talking is the modern version of dating.  It's uncommitted, adulterated heart exposure that leads to heartbreak and counterfeit bonding.  As my good Lord says, please guard your heart.  Prov 4:23  It's too precious not too.

"Should I tell my boyfriend everything??"

Its funny how often times we try to run from God…and it never works out.   

About a month ago I had decided to read about Samson and Delilah; I began the story and then went off to camp and forgot to finish it.  Well today in my quiet time I was asking God about a completely different topic and of course, he led me to Samson and Delilah.  He has the best sense of humor sometimes…Anyhow, what I learned in Judges 16 turned out to be very valuable and so I thought I would share it with you all. 

If you go back to Judges 15, you can understand a little bit more about Samson’s character—for time’s sake I will give you a brief summary.  In my opinion, I picture Samson as being that tough guy-popular-jock-man from high school.  He is super buff, very liked by the people, and he wins every election or award.  Now, this isn’t the super hero star athlete, this is the cocky/bully stud that walks around thinking he owns the school.  Everyone loves him because their scared of him!

In fact, after Samson won a battle he bragged about his victory and demanded God reward him with water!  Wow…yeah, he’s that guy.  As the story goes, we know that that guy always gets the girls, and whoever they want mind you, therefore bring in Delilah.

Delilah was gorgeous, mysterious, and to be honest—a tad bit manipulative.  Anyhow, she got Samson to fall head over heels in love with her.  After they had been, umm.. we’ll say dating,  for some time, Delilah was offered big bucks to find Samson’s weak spot.  So she did what women after the fall do best; she nagged and manipulated.

“What’s your weakness darling?”  She asks him one night.

He  quickly come up with a lie and tricked her into believing it.  Then while he was sleeping, she tried to capture him, using what he had told her.  However, because it was a lie it didn’t work.  

“No really babe, what’s your soft spot?”

He lied again.  She tested it and was made a fool again.

Finally after begging him and begging him until he was “Tired to death,” as the bible literally says, she says, “Samson, if you really love me you’ll tell me your weakness.” 

Ahhh…the killer line!  How many times does that line come up through the teenage years!  We all know what happens next..

Judges 16:17  (NASB)

“So he told her all that was in his heart…”

Worst mistake he ever made. 

I have had girls ask me many times, “Should I tell my boyfriend everything about my spiritual life?” thinking that that will bring them closer together…but the answer is NO.

There are certain things a woman must keep secret in her heart.  1 Kings 8:39 says only God knows our hearts.  Other people can only know what we tell and express to them..they will never fully understand our hearts—not even our husbands. 

Also, Micah 7:5-7 tells us not to put our hope and trust in friends, family, spouses, or neighbors—but to trust fully in God and eagerly expect him to deliver us from whatever our present troubles may be.  Too often we run to our husbands for assurance that this job situation will work out, or we beg with our boyfriend to marry us so we can have some type of security in our life.  But the truth is these men aren’t God!  They’re just human like you and I.  They will mess up, they will scare us, and they will let us down.

You’ll save yourself a lot of grief and heartache if you put your whole trust in God and God alone, then no matter what change is thrown your way—you know without a doubt that the God of all gods is holding you tightly in his hands, and not only that, but he understands your heart.  He gets the very core of your being and existence, and he wants to help you every step of the way.  He wants to love you into security and joy and life. 

Stop telling every man you get into a relationship with your heart secrets.   

Those are for you and God to treasure together. 

Further reading:
Judges 16
Psalm 146:3
Psalm 145:16
Living Chocolate 

4 Dating Do's and Dont's from Brian and Vikki Banks

Last night at the BCM worship service Brian and Vikki Banks discussed 4 Do's and Dont's of dating. Here are the notes I took. Hopeful this might encourage some of you!

1. DO deal with your stuff now.

Your hurts, your habits, your hang-ups. It's no doubt we all have them, what matters is how we deal with them and what we choose to do with them. All the baggage from your past or present, deal with it now before entering a relationship. If not, these things will hurt your relationships.

Philippians 2:3-4 "Do nothing out of self-ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."

2. DO deepen your walk with God.

Collossians 2:6-7 "So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness."

Galatians 5:15 "So I say, live by the spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature."

Walk by the fruits of the spirit.

3. DO NOT compromise in your choice.

A Christian relationship should be 2 believers each seeking to grow deeper in God. 2 believers communicating in love.

Statistics show that there are 2 Christian women to every one 1 Christian man. Sadly, 1 in every 3 women marry down in terms of their spiritual level.

Ladies: You will choose one man to lead you for the rest of your life. Choose wisely. Who you choose will effect how you serve God, what ministry you do, how much money you give to God, how your daughter perceives men and God, and many many other things.

Look for someone who has scripture-based values, someone who puts people before things, who realizes sex is to be sacred and honored in marriage, not outside of it, and someone who realizes divorce is NOT an option--God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16.) So please, do not compromise. Look steadily ahead at God and he will show you a man who will lead you like you need.

4. Don't date in a vaccume.

Sometimes in relationships we tend to get so sucked-in and focused on our relationship that we completely forget about our friends, our family, and everyone who cares about us. Sometimes even to the point of ignoring their instruction or words of wisdom. This is NOT healthy. Be careful that this doesn't happen to you. People who know you well and care about you usually disagree with your choices for a reason--they know you deserve better. Listen to them.