More on Waiting: 2 Hearts, 2 Homes

My closest friends know that I tend to have certain, quirky rants I like to express from time to time.  They are always weird little things that no one else seems to bother thinking about, but to me they are true and important, and often times they turn into a blog post...like this one I suppose.

All my years as a college student I have struggled immensely with this.. There is a place in my heart where I was born and raised.  There stands a mother and father who love me dearly and will always be a large part of my life.  I also have a brother who is very active and involved in every activity under the sun.  When I'm home I get to watch him excel in all these wonderful joys of his life.

In this place, I have a bed covered in a quilt my grandmother gave me.  It has her and my grandpa's wedding anniversary date written on it.  On top of that quilt sets a large black cat who stole my heart fifteen years ago.  He eagerly waits for my next visit home.  Next to my bed I have a closet full of T-shirts I earned at camps, vacations, and 5K races.

From the house, to the family, to my friends--this is a special community and place I can call nothing less but...home.

Now you may be thinking, "that's all very well and nice dear, what do you have to struggle with there?"  You're right, nothing.  I love this place.  I lived there for twenty years, and I wouldn't mind stayin' around another twenty if it came to it.  Everything is full of love, support, and trust in this part of my life.  But, this place becomes a struggle when it meets place number two.

In place number two I have a nice spacious apartment all to myself.  My living room is a joyous place for company from all my wonderful, loving and encouraging friends to come over whenever they please and sit and talk for hours at a time.  A few strides away, these same wonderful friends are often seen hanging around my own personal kitchen.  It is in this area, that I bake brownies, nutter-butter marshmallow bars, chimichangas, tacos, and anything else their tummy yearns for.

Some of these friends are die-hard disciples of Christ.  They put their life on the line every day as they creatively find ways to share the gospel with the darkness of this city.  We spend hours together praying, discussing, and chewing on the Word of God.  Nothing can be sweeter than this time spent together, except heaven itself.  Iron sharpens iron when I am with these friends.


Other friends that sit on the same couch, are people hungry and hurting.  People who desperately need the love of Jesus in their life--even if they don't know it.  I spend hours discussing theology, politics, and life with these dear people whom I love.  Friends like these stick closer than a brother, and they are always open for a new discussion or event.  I treasure the times I spend with this circle of people.


My own kitchen, a couch full of Jesus, and a kitchen full of loyal friends--this is a dear location I have learned is nothing less than the definition of, well...home.

So maybe you still don't see the conflict.  You are sitting here thinking, "Gees, the woman is spoiled!  What in the world does she have to be complaining about?!  Go spend some time with the children in Africa for crying out loud!"
Believe me, I don't blame you for thinking these things, but I promise you there is a point in this description.

As a disciple of Christ, I pour my whole self into anything I'm doing, or anyone I'm around.  I want each person I come in contact with to feel deeply the love and devotion of Jesus Christ.  This is the way we were meant to live life--fully and completely each and every day.

However, conflict hits my heart hard when I am at home with my family.  My spirit longs to love on the hurting and hungry.  They to experience their daily dose of Jesus.  I need to hear about the exciting events in their lives this week.  What did I miss?  How are they doing?  What have they learned?

And yet, when I am in my apartment at school I desperately desire to watch my brother excel in sports, or speak at church.  I want to pet my cat and listen to my Mom's weekly update on the extended family.  How are Dad's crops?  What's going on in the community?  Where is the basketball team playing tonight?

Two wonderfully rich worlds, two divinely orchestrated mission fields, and two entire pieces of my heart--split right down the middle.  Of course, I have made it my goal to live fully wherever I am present, but the longing for the other half never fully goes away.

The point I want to make, is that we all have two homes.  As Christians, our home and our heart is in heaven.  Mercy Me paints a better description with lyrics from their song Homesick.

"I close my eyes and I see your face,

if home's where my heart is then I'm out of place.

Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow,

I've never been more homesick than now."

In his first book, Peter calls us (Christians) "aliens and strangers in the world."  How clear that makes it! As children of God and heirs to the throne of Christ, we aren't at home in this world!  Yes, we are called to live, and work, and love here all the days of our life on earth (Ecclesiastes 8:15-16,) but we will never fully be home until our maker and creator comes to take us back to the place of full redemption and rejoicing with the very one who made us.  Then, and only then will we be able to say we feel completely at home.

"He who testifies to these things says,

'Yes, I am coming soon.'

Amen. Come, Lord Jesus."

Revelation 22:20

Homesick, Contentment, and Fulfillment

Music: Cannons by Phil Wickham

“The moon and the stars declare who you are..”

The past few weeks leading up to Spring Break my heart was extremely heavy. It longed for the country and nature and home. I was tired of all the concrete and lights and sidewalks, I wanted to be somewhere free and unrestricted. I wanted to see my mom and dad and little brother. I picture myself in the

front yard of my house just sitting there looking at the stars in amazement like I have so many times before. I remembered

laying on the trampoline with my Dad and talking about how big the universe is and how small Earth is. I wanted to see all my best friends, my family, my cat. The problem was I couldn’t go home. I had something school or activity-related every single weekend until a month after Spring Break.

One day my mom called me and she was even angry at me for not coming home in so long. I think she was just missing me like I was them, but either way it still made me even more homesick and lonely. I developed bitterness towards the city and where I was at. I began telling people how much I hated the city and how I couldn’t wait to graduate and leave this place. My heart just hurt for the place I called home.

Then came Spring Break. I went on a retreat to Colorado. Fresh air, springs, mountains, hiking trails, relaxed people, God, God, and God. What a refreshing time for my soul. God taught me so much my soul was overwhelmed with his goodness. Throughout everything he gave me a spirit of contentment and fulfillment. When I came back to Norman I felt so refreshed and full. I was happy to see this city. I felt like I had a big family here with all my friends from the BSU. I prayed for the city as soon as we pulled up, my heart had finally been moved so I could love this place too. I was completely fine with being there because i knew God had a purpose and a reason for placing me here at this time.

Next comes the best part—because we got home very late and I got zero work done over the break, I had previously planned on sleeping in Saturday morning, and then getting everything done around the apartment throughout the rest of the weekend. Mom and asked me one last time to come home, both of us knowing it probably wouldn’t happen. But before bed I prayed if it was God’s will he would help me get everything done earlier and give me time to go home.

The next morning I woke up after 10 wonderful hours of sleep, I had an extended quiet time, did my laundry and did as much of everything else as I could. By 2 o’clock I had checked off everything on my list, my roommates were still not home, and I was out of things to do. I took this as my sign. J So I through a couple things in a bag and hopped in my car for a surprise visit home!

On the way there I prayed adamantly that God would give me good strong QUALITY time with every person I encountered. I wanted to show everyone how much I loved and missed them, I wanted to show them that God cared for them as much as I did, and I wanted to show them how joyful I was to be there. I prayed that my focus would be on them, the people, and not just getting my errands and chores done.

Not surprisingly, God gave me what I asked for. He gave me lots and lots of wonderful sweet quality time with my parents, friends, and brother. Everyone I really cared about I got to talk to one-on-one and show them God’s love. It was the perfect end to a refreshing Spring Break. Just living and being with the ones I cherish the most. My spirit was overflowed with joy and happiness. My soul got to exhale even more that last 24 hours of my break.

I say this not to show you how blessed I am, or how great my Spring Break is, I show you this because it gives us insight to God’s heart. Remember the first of the story when I was longing for home and nature, I was unhappy where I was, I wasn’t letting God fill me, and my attitude began to show that? Sometimes we get that way about having a boyfriend or husband. We are unhappy, anxious, and impatient. The devil snatches us up by stealing our contentment. When we are not 100% relying on God it is easy to long for things we don’t have and belly-ache about the present setting. Again, this is a trick of the devil! God has a purpose for every time of our life and we are to fully take and grasp every second of it.

Ecclesiastes 5:7 says “Much dreaming and many words are meaningless. Therefore stand in awe of God.” Complaining about being single and constantly day dreaming about having a boyfriend or husband is meaningless. God says to focus on him. Keep HIM at the center of your thoughts and stop focusing on what isn’t yours. Matthew 22:37-38 “Jesus replied, love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the first and the greatest commandment.”

When I got back from Colorado and my heart was fully relying on God, I was completely content with not going home. I was happy wherever God placed me, even in the city. Only when I found complete contentment in the Lord Jesus Christ was I able to go home. God isn’t going to give you the man of your dreams until you are completely content with being single and living for God. This is something I feel strongly about. He wants us to learn to be completely dependent and completely satisfied with him alone before he gives us what our heart truly desires. In Philippians 4:12 Paul says he learned the secret of being content in every situation. The secret is contentment! Not false contentment, but true 100% satisfaction with God alone.

The white board above my desk in my room at my apartment says, “I love you God. Even if you’re all I ever have.” This is a lifelong commitment, but it has taught me so much. If I can’t honestly read those words and mean them, I know I’m not living completely for God.

So trust God with your heart and he will give you what you need.