A Woman's Heart

"...at the heart of every woman you will find that she wants three things: to be romanced, to play an irreplaceable role in a great adventure, and to unveil beauty...most of our addictions as women flare up when we feel that we are not loved or sought after."
--from the book Captivating

 Psalm 45:11 "The King is enthralled by your beauty."

How many of you have ever felt unloved?  Are there any women in your life whom you look at instantly sense their dire need of attention?  Are they..or you..addicted to a secret sin?  Perhaps it's not because they are crazy.  Not because they want to be annoying, clingy, witchy, etc.  Perhaps it is because they have not once in their life felt loved and wanted.

Often times we are all too quick to judge the quirkiness of others.  At the same time, we are much to slow to diagnose the problems of our own addictions.

I've read Captivating, by John and Staci Elderedge five times in my life.  I am now starting and round six.  I love it.  It is and forever will be, my most favorite book.  It has changed and shaped my life over and over again.  Each time I read it I learn something new about women, myself, and God.  Did I mention I never reread books?

As I am reading it tonight...I can't help but stop and think of all the women in the world who feel unloved.  I think the truth is that most of these women are loved, but do they feel it?...no.  That sounds like something very small and trivial, and of course it is something we (women) all downplay to excessive degrees.  In fact, if you were to ask most women if they felt unloved, I bet the majority wouldn't even admit it.  Why?  Because we are STRONG,  INDEPENDENT, Rosie the Rivoter type of women who wouldn't dare confess a need or a want, much less one that depends on a man.

I've asked a few married women in my life if they felt like their husband was leading them spiritually.  In both cases the women teared up and shook their head no, admitting to a lifetime of pain.  Now I sit and think of how many women--young, old, married, widowed, single--who walk around this life feeling unloved.  There must be millions!  What do they do?  How do they cope?  Superficial relationships with men?  Do some cover up the pain with cosmetics? Others might fill the void with food, alcohol or illegal substances even.  Then there are the select few that turn to the Lord and lean on him for their strength and fulfillment.  That of course works, but I know there still must be painful nights when those women need a strong pair of shoulders to lean upon and call "daddy" or "husband."

Please don't take this post as a bashing on the men in our lives.  There are many things women fail at too, and I would never put down men just to be mean.  I know 90% of the men I've met try very hard to be who they need to be for their women...I think they just don't know exactly what they need to do.  Anyhow, the point of my post is to point out the issue so that women and maybe even a few men, can understand more about the heart of a woman.  Once we understand a woman's heart, then we understand her hurts, and when we understand someone's hurts we understand their annoying habits.  Put all this together and you have a recipe that can only add up to help, healing, and freedom.

Think about it.  Every woman wants to be pursued by a man.  When we are little it's daddy, and when we grow older it's a man...but not just any man.  It's the man we can call husband.  I think many young women would argue that it doesn't have to be a husband that pursues them, but when you break it all down, it truly is.  Think of Jennifer Aniston's role in "He's Just Not That Into You."  She lives with a man she has dated for 7 years.  They love each other and are very faithful to one another, yet her heart aches and aches because he refused to marry her.  Why?  Because we are women and we were designed to be married, to be someone's helper, and to be the wife of a specific man God picked out for us.  Don't buy what I'm sellin'?  Read Genesis 2-4.

The heart of a woman screams commitment by a steady, faithful, forever man.  Daddy to husband, nothing in between or temporary.  Yet when we live too long without being pursued by one or the other we tend to get lost in the temporary pain-numbers many call "losers", or "bozos."  Ahh...this must be why we date.

Woa.  Did I just say that?   Can't wait to hear the controversial comments on that line. :)

Anyhow, I have a friend who loves his kids a whole lot.  He always says he's "taking them on an adventure." What adventure are ya'll going on today?  I'll ask him when I know he has a day off.  Oh, the zoo...a museum...mountain climbing...a strange restaurant.  He always replies with some fascinating answer and a jam-packed agenda for the day.

I love, love, love this action-packed form of fathering he has goin' for him. I told him the other day something he never even realized.  By keeping those kids in the middle of an adventure, you are doing them a huge favor.  When they grow up and become teenagers they won't have to rebel and look for adrenaline and excitement, because they will know in their hearts that their whole life has been an exciting adventure.  Why? Because Daddy showed them so.  He taught them how to live life to the fullest without sneaking out, experimenting with drugs, or doing harmful things to their body.

A woman wants to be a part of an adventure...with a forever man.

Life--with all it's surprises, demands and gifts--is definitely an adventure.  Facing the hard stuff head on is always a well-worth it challenge that definitely counts as adventure.  So men, lead us through it instead of running.  Women, trust that he will get you to the other side, hang on, and love every minute of the adrenaline-packed adventure.  I promise you, you won't be bored.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord..."

Jeremiah 29:11

Meeting the Bridesmaids

It is true when they say you don't go to college to meet the groom, you go to meet the bridesmaids!

I'm being totally honest when I say I came to college thinking I would find the groom.  My whole life I was told to wait until college and then I will find the right guy.

After one month here I had looked around and found not even one guy worth a second glance.  Nothing against these guys, they're just not quite my type.  Anyhow, what I did find in bulk was not necessarily bridesmaids, but some of the most awesome, God-fearing women I have ever met in my life.  These girls have honestly made a difference in my walk and continue to this do to encourage me in obediently acting out God's calling for my life.

To fully understand the depth of their love for Jesus, you need to understand something.  I sit and talk to these girls for two or three hours at a time talking about nothing but how awesome and wonderful our God is.  This is why I love these girls.  They have made college worthwhile. 

Jamie Hannan- We decided we are going to write a book for Christian girls together.  Throughout all of last year we were constantly being showed the same things by God.  Stuff about dating, transferring, and finding the perfect ministry "fit," all came into both of our lives around the same time.   This girl is a heart friend.  She gets me, and I get her.  We love on Jesus the whole time we are together, and I absolutely love it!

Kaity Keith- I could talk about this girl and our stories forever!  She has showed me so much about what it means to make the Word of God more than just a book you read in the morning.  Every time I run into her she is camped out somewhere, reading the Bible and learning from it.  She has such a heart for helping other girls and following God’s will—even when she doesn’t know what that is!  I have learned more from here in the past 6 months than I have from some people I have known my whole life.  She often refers to her friends as her “iron,” referencing the proverb “As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”  This is an exact description of what her friendship has brought me.

Kim Burns- Oh, she makes me smile.  I’m always up for a good laugh when Kim is around!  She has such a big heart for Jesus it just explodes all around her! Kim is constantly encouraging me with my blog and my venture for figuring out relationships.  I cannot tell you how much that has meant to me along the way.   And the best part is that she doesn’t even know that she is loving me to the Nth degree every time she casually mentions what makes me special.  As if weren’t enough, she also gives the biggest and bestest—longest hugs in the entire universe!  She has shown me what it means to love people through every little action.

Then I have my two best friends who love me in an entirely different way.  These girls have seen me in a variety of situations.  They know me as a serious student, a leader in activities, a hyper spaz, a country bumpkin, and everything in between!  The best part is—they still love me!  (This is a far greater responsibility than most people realize.)

Lacey Stevenson- Although our spiritual views don’t line up exactly, I have more respect for her than almost anyone else I’ve ever met.  She is the most kind, caring, and willing to listen person I know.  As soon as we sit down together she instantly asks about my classes, my other friends, and my family.  She never ever thinks of herself, but always is quick to love others by listening to them.  I thank her for letting me babble on end about how hard my petty classes are, even when I know they are a piece of cake in comparison to her Political Science studies!  Lacey and I have so much in common it is scary.  It is scary because we met on this campus, a campus full of people not like us, and I know that it is a miracle from God that we met!

Dakota Poulton- Another God story about friendship.  One of my biggest dreams in this life is for my friends back home to become best friends with my friends up here.  Anyone who knows me probably gets tired of me because I am constantly trying to merge the two friend groups.  I want everyone to know and love everyone as I have seen them love me!  Dakota has played such an important role in my life because she is always ready to meet more friends from back home and take them out dancing with us!  She is full of fun, excitement, and motivation.  I love our one day shopping sprees and random study sessions.  She has a special place in my heart.


And then there are my sheep, whom I love and call my friends as well, and yet our relationships is entirely different again.

Kaley Patterson- We have known each other throughout high school, but now that she is finally in college too I feel like our relationship has plunged to a new level.  Even though we go to different colleges, I feel like she is constantly looking out for me and challenging me in my personal quiet times with the Lord.  As a girl with extraordinary gifts, I am constantly excited to hear her talk about what God is showing her.  I know without doubt that he will use her for amazing things as she walks through the journey of college and life.  Our friendship goes beyond the surface and stays imprinted on my heart no matter where we are. 

Alexis Briggs- Through Kaley I have met this very dear friend.  Even as I write this I am speechless.  Alexis has this idea that God has used me to bless her immensely, ironically, she doesn’t know how much God has used her to bless me and my life.  Talk about encouraging and motivating, this girl has given me more humility and faith in my blog and calling to teach relationships than anyone I’ve ever met.  She has pushed and promoted my blog to the ends of the earth and back—something I never imagined in my wildest dreams.  On top of that she is so straight forward with her walk.  She wants scripture, not opinion, and everything not of God is a waste of time.  I pray for that kind of heart!

I wrote this in October of 2011, but just now decided to post it.  I don't know why.

Girls: enjoy the company of the bridesmaids while you can.  I wouldn't have a wedding without 'em!

For Women Only in the Workplace: Book Review

Ladies, do you ever wonder why your boss just can’t seem to understand you? Are you frustrated with being cut down from all the male ego floating around the work place? Well perhaps the problem does not lie solely in their hands, and neither does it in yours. But the solution can!

In For Women Only: In the Workplace, a knowledgeable book by Shaunti Feldhahn, the male brain and its processes are broken down into female-friendly language. Feldhahn graciously shows us women what happens between the communication processes with our male counterparts. From the male’s need to respect and achieve, to the woman’s desire to control and explain, Feldhahn explains how neither side is wrong, they are just different. And it is that difference that makes all the commotion in the workplace.

Successful author of many books, Feldhahn’s “ONLY” series includes several interesting titles such as: For Parents Only, For Young Women Only, and For Men Only. Many of her books have hit the one million mark in sales, and she doesn’t seem to be slowing down any time soon.

An interesting fact about For Women Only in the Workplace, is that the book originally came out on the general market titled as The Male Factor. This book was released on The Today Show in 2010.

It is no wonder the book has done well enough to sell under two separate titles. Cover to cover, the book is filled with facts, figures, and charts that back up the years worth of research Feldhahn spent cracking this communication code.

The hard data filling this book comes naturally for Feldhahn, an ex-analyst of Wall Street, and former student of the financial arena at Capitol Hill. She holds a Master’s in Public Policy from Harvard University, and a Bachelor’s in Government and Economics from the College of William and Mary. Shaunti and her husband Jeff live in the Atlanta area with their young children, where they continue to excitingly juggle two booming businesses, life, and family together.

Now for the criticism, if you are looking at this book in hopes of receiving a spiritual awakening or conviction, I would say you might want to try a different book. Although it is marketed in the Christian world, and is targeted at Christians, this book is actually very neutral in terms of theology and faith. In fact, to be terribly honest, the only place I found biblical reference was the last chapter, (which was purposely added for Christian audiences.)

There is nothing wrong with having a spiritually neutral book; it was just not what I had expected. From what I can tell the difference between the general-market edition and the Christian edition comes down to a few interviews with ministers and Christian men. This is helpful for Christians who are reading the book, and I did find the information quite useful.

However because of my expectations, chapter 9 (the last chapter), was  my favorite part. In this chapter, Feldhahn shares Christian advice from many women she has encountered throughout her research. The women advise the readers in how to apply this book and use it biblically. This was very insightful, and I enjoyed receiving the advice. Also in this chapter, Feldhahn makes several references to the scriptural importance of applying these principles to our personal work worlds.

To sum it all up, here are the top three things I took away from this book:
     1) Men need respect. Think about this when you are asking your boss why he does things a certain way, or telling your male colleagues they need to stop doing this and that. Find a creative way to get your message across without being disrespectful.
     2) Dress as modest as possible at work. Often times women think they are dressing cute to make a statement, when in fact, they are distracting men from what they are professionally saying — thus hurting both themselves and the integrity of these men.
     3) The book does not tell us to give up every form of femininity we have. It is simply biblical to respect each other in the best way we know how. Romans 12:18 says it is our duty to be at peace with all people if we can. This book shows you how.

I highly recommend this book to any woman entering or currently in the working world. In fact, I have already passed this copy along to my friend who is an aspiring lawyer working in the state capitol right now. This book will definitely give women insight to use for success, understanding, and better communication in their careers.

For more about the book and the author, check out: the author's website, the book's site, and The Life Ready Woman.

Article first published as Book Review: For Women Only: In the Workplace on Blogcritics.

Breaking the Cycle of a Broken Mother

As mentioned in my last post, "Born to Break the Chains," God has opened my eyes to the world of cycle-breaking in our spiritual lives.  I'm still wrapping my mind around the idea, so explaining this to others might be a challenge--but here we go.

All around me I see men and women rising up.  They are standing out from a family of secrecy, lies, and bitterness.  I have no idea how or why, but these beings were the chosen few (Ephesians 1:11-12.)  They were hand-picked by God to break the sinful patterns Satan placed in their families.

Of these friends, (like I said, there are many,)  there is one special woman of God who has seen the pain and unrest that feeds from her mother's prideful spirit.  Her mother is undoubtedly a product of the fall, just like the rest of us, she, however, has chosen to stay that way--despite the Lord's numerous attempts to redeem her.  You may not think growing up in a house with a self-centered mother is no big deal, but look at the deeper level here.

Proverbs 11:22
"Like a gold ring in a pig's snout 
is a beautiful woman who shows no discretion."

Proverbs 12:4

"A wife of noble character is her husbands crown,

but a disgraceful wife is decay in his bones."

Proverbs 12:25

"An anxious heart weighs a man down,

but a kind word cheers him up."

Proverbs 18:8

"The words of a gossip are like choice morsels;

they go down to a man's inmost parts."

Proverbs 18:12

"Before his downfall a man's heart is proud,

but humility comes before honor."

Proverbs 19:13

"...a quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping."

Now, I am certainly not saying that I have these proverbs mastered in my own life.  Nor am I saying that I know any women who do, I am however saying that I know women who strive to be life and love to their husbands and families, and I know women who strive to be life and love to themselves.  There is a big difference.

When you look at the facts it should be rather obvious.  I mean, do you really want to come across as a "constant dripping?"  How about a "gold ring in a pig's snout?"  Didn't think so.  

No one grows up saying, "I can't wait to be married so I can walk all over my husband with my anxious heart and disrespectful attitude!  That will be the day I achieve true happiness."  Therefore, we don't purposely choose this kind of fragrance for our own lives.  It is simply the result of Adam and Eve's fall, our sinful nature.

Women are naturally anxious, controlling, over-talkative about their neighbor, and proud.  We naturally want to "encourage" the men in our life by telling them what they should do.  The problem is, this doesn't come across the way we think it does.  To them we are cutting them down, telling them they aren't good enough, and trampling on anything in the way of our personal satisfaction.  Yeah, this is natural.

But here's where we get a say-so.  We have the opportunity to choose what type of woman we want to be.  

Most of us float through life mimicking the habits, actions, and behaviors of our mothers.  It's called imprinting.  Ducks do it too.  Fortunately, the difference between us and ducks is that we are intelligent, free-will creatures who can change this pattern at any given time through a series of choices.

The young woman I told you about has stopped imprinting her mothers sinful nature.  When she was sixteen she made the first choice to step out of her family norm.  She became a believer of Jesus Christ.  Shortly after she gave him control of her entire life, and she has been sprinting  through the race of life ever since.  

I have joyfully watched her go through bible study after bible study, learning the ways of the Lord and what he expects of young women.  She has recently learned the secret to financial freedom apart from her family's debt, and she puts her whole heart into giving God the "first fruits" of her paycheck (Proverbs 3:9.)  Every area of her life has been washed of sinful nature and consumed with the love and grace of God.  She will always be walking in this process of giving him more control, but she chooses daily to take the road less traveled by in her family (Luke 9:23, Philippians 3:8,12.)

Matthew 10:37

"Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me;

anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me."

Rise up Cycle Breakers.

How will you choose?








Are you a cycle-breaker?  Send your story to divinedating.org@gmail.com for a chance to be featured on a post.

A Father Who Protects

As I stated in my last post, I recently watched the movie Courageous and absolutely loved it.  While the entire film was heart-wrenching and edifying, my favorite scene by far includes one of the fathers giving his daughter a promise ring, and a promise to go with it.

His short speech paints the perfect picture of what fathers are supposed to be from the time their daughter is born, to the day they walk her down the aisle.  God  gives us fathers to protect and guide us while we wait for our husband.  This is a channel God uses to speak, protect, love, and guide us with.  This is why the Bible makes so many references to obeying your parents.

So what if you don't have a father?  What if you have a Dad who's not a Christian?  Maybe you have a Christian Dad, but he hasn't stepped up to the plate in guarding your heart.  If you do have a Dad, regardless of his walk with the Lord--you can pray for him, encourage him, and show him respect through small acts of kindness.

No matter what your Dad situation, you do have a heavenly Father who is perfect and holy.  His grace covers any fault your earthly Dad has or had.  If you are willing to follow, submit, and listen to him, he will guide you through the courting process and lead you to the man he has picked out for you.

So many people go wrong when they say they are following God with their love life, yet they are searching, striving, and stressing about who and when they will get married.  The truth is that freedom comes from letting go.  God knows the timing, the prince, and the story, so why not let him write it the way he designed it?

In the book "When God Writes Your Love Story," Leslie Ludy writes a whole chapter on how beneficial her parents were to her courtship story with her husband Eric.

"When I first began to truly learn how to give God the pen to write my love story, one of the first things I felt Him lead me to do was to invite my parents to be on my team through prayer and accountability.  

It was as if he softly reminded me, 'Leslie, I have placed your parents in your life for a reason.  They have a special wisdom and anointing that I have given them, especially for your life.  Don't ignore the built-in teammates I've provided for you.'"

Respect your father this week.  He wants to be a part of your love story as much as God does.

Can Men and Women be JUST friends?

I am often asked why I have not posted about male-female friendships and the boundaries within them.  The honest answer is that I do not know.  I have never read a book, found scripture, or been convicted or drawn to this subject.  It does interest me, and I am slowly figuring out what is truth and what is not as I grow older, but I am no expert on the subject.  I do plan on sharing my thoughts with you as soon as I am ready, however.

Interestingly enough, one of my friends sent me this video the other day.  Although it is a secular video, it exposes some deep, yet comical truths between the two genders and their thinking patterns.  I thought I would share it with you all as a means of helping you form your own opinion.  Let me know what you think!

My Thoughts Regarding the Proverbs 31 Movement

Several friends of mine have brought to my attention the Proverbs 31 Movement.  Perhaps you may have seen the logo on Pinterest of Facebook.  Anyhow a wonderful blogger I follow, named Preston, stirred things up a bit as he very humbly and biblically corrected the movement.  You can see one out of the three posts he published here.

 (While you're there I recommend following his blog and checking out some of the other posts--great stuff!)

Anyhow, I have studied Proverbs 31 on my own lately and this is what the Word tells me.

First of all, Proverbs 25-31 were written specifically as advice for leaders.  Proverbs 31 is wisdom King Lemuel has learned from his mother.  The first 9 verses have very good points such as:

• Watch out for adulterous women
• Don't get drunk on wine
• Defend the poor and weak

The next verses (10-31) are the infamous "Proverbs 31 Woman" that we all have come to love or hate.  Something I learned while studying this chapter appealed to me as very interesting.  Verses 10-31 are an acrostic, meaning each verse begins with a successive letter of the Hebrew alphabet.  We use acrostics for all sorts of cutsie little things now.  I'm not totally sure if the acrostic was used for the same types of things back then or not, but an example can be found in the picture to the right.

While the common misconception is that the Proverbs 31 Woman is an example we are all supposed to follow word for word, this is false.  As Preston stated, there are many other noble women in the bible worth following who don't meet the P31W standards.  (I'm pretty sure that just affirms their human citizenship.)

Some theologians even suspect the passage is a picture of womanhood altogether, not just one single woman.  This makes sense because how many women do you know who are a manufacturer, farmer, seamstress, merchant, wife, and mother, who never sleep?  If you answered yes, this woman might be a robot.

Anyhow, as with every point ever made in the Bible, we can always draw it back to our two main commandments as Christians.  Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind first.  Then, love your neighbor as yourself.  (Matthew 22:37-40)

As verse 30 touches on, what makes this woman beautiful is not her talents, careers, and style, but her deeply fearing heart for the Lord.  Our overall goal as Christians is not to maintain a superb standard, or to outserve everyone else.  Our goal is not to imitate the P31W,  nor Ester, nor Sarah, nor any other woman in the bible.  

No, our goal as Christian women is to imitate Christ and let him mold us and shape us into the life-long sanctification process of becoming women of God, who love the Lord with gladness and strive to give him glory, honor, and praise everyday of our lives because our hearts are so broken before him.  Our goal is to live and love in true humility that comes from knowing and receiving the gospel of Christ which we did not even deserve in the first place.  

(Ephesians 5:1, 1 Corinthians 11:1, Romans 6:18) 

This is what the P31W is pointing us to, a life lived in reverence to Christ.  If you try to do all that she does in your own strength you will fail.  Not only that, but you will be running around like a chicken with your head cut off, ignoring all the real important things in life because you are busy worrying about your next sale or investment.  This is not at all how Jesus calls us to live. 

(Ephesians 5:2, Luke 10:38-42, Matthew 6:33, Psalm 28:7)

So my goal for you today is this: seek to imitate Christ above all else.  Love him with every part of your heart, even the parts you don't want anyone else to see.  Love him until it hurts.

Anthem for the Insecure

"Mirror I am seeing a new reflection

                                          I'm looking into the eyes of he who made me

And to him I am beauty beyond compare

I know, he defines me. Yeah yeah"

              Songs of Songs 4:7

"All beautiful you are, my darling;

there is no flaw in you."

                      --God Almighty


Ephesians 2:10
"For we [YOU] are God's workmanship,
created in Christ Jesus to do good works,
which God prepared in advance for us to do.

4 Dating Do's and Dont's from Brian and Vikki Banks

Last night at the BCM worship service Brian and Vikki Banks discussed 4 Do's and Dont's of dating. Here are the notes I took. Hopeful this might encourage some of you!

1. DO deal with your stuff now.

Your hurts, your habits, your hang-ups. It's no doubt we all have them, what matters is how we deal with them and what we choose to do with them. All the baggage from your past or present, deal with it now before entering a relationship. If not, these things will hurt your relationships.

Philippians 2:3-4 "Do nothing out of self-ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others."

2. DO deepen your walk with God.

Collossians 2:6-7 "So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness."

Galatians 5:15 "So I say, live by the spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature."

Walk by the fruits of the spirit.

3. DO NOT compromise in your choice.

A Christian relationship should be 2 believers each seeking to grow deeper in God. 2 believers communicating in love.

Statistics show that there are 2 Christian women to every one 1 Christian man. Sadly, 1 in every 3 women marry down in terms of their spiritual level.

Ladies: You will choose one man to lead you for the rest of your life. Choose wisely. Who you choose will effect how you serve God, what ministry you do, how much money you give to God, how your daughter perceives men and God, and many many other things.

Look for someone who has scripture-based values, someone who puts people before things, who realizes sex is to be sacred and honored in marriage, not outside of it, and someone who realizes divorce is NOT an option--God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16.) So please, do not compromise. Look steadily ahead at God and he will show you a man who will lead you like you need.

4. Don't date in a vaccume.

Sometimes in relationships we tend to get so sucked-in and focused on our relationship that we completely forget about our friends, our family, and everyone who cares about us. Sometimes even to the point of ignoring their instruction or words of wisdom. This is NOT healthy. Be careful that this doesn't happen to you. People who know you well and care about you usually disagree with your choices for a reason--they know you deserve better. Listen to them.