Healing is a Choice: Book Review

When I look around, I always see sick, hurting people who crave love and attention.  That's why we share our deepest thoughts on Facebook for the whole world.  That's why we talk to our friends for hours on end, and that's why our culture is obsessed with dating and connection, yet we are the loneliest generation that's ever hit the planet.

Stephen Arterburn has it right when he explains that these deep hurts and unfulfilled desires within us are placed there for a reason.  This suffering and pain shows us that we need something higher than ourselves or our neighbors.  We need a God that knows every part of us, every painful situation we've been through, and every wound we possess.  When we submit our needs to this great God, he will in fact heal us and make us life-riskers and adventure-seekers once again.

In Arterburn's book, Healing is a Choice, he lays out 10 simple decisions that will help heal and transform your broken life.  Along with every decision, is a big lie that Satan tries to throw at us and stop the healing process.  Arterburn combats each lie with the truth of scripture and God's love.  These choices and applications are what lead individuals to deep healing through God's grace.

Stephen Arterburn is the founder and chairman of New Life Ministries.  He also leads an XM radio show, New Life Live.  Some of his closest friends and colleagues are Dr. Henry Cloud, and Dr. John Townsend, authors of a book I recently reviewed, Boundaries.  Arterburn is also the founder of Women of Faith conferences and has written over 60 books.

What sets Arterburn apart from other Christian authors, is his extreme transparency.  Throughout the book he strongly relates to healing and suffering by speaking out about his painful but biblical divorce with his first wife.  This is why I would highly recommend this book for someone who has been divorced.  I would also recommend this book for anyone who has been sexually or physically abused, or who has experienced deep rejection from a parent or family member.

While the book contains all of the answers to hope and future, the real-life results vary depending on the reader.  As the title suggests, healing does not come instantly or because we want it to.  It is a choice we must chose to take on our own.  It's a journey we must venture into on our own will.

I'm not sure if all versions of the book include the workbook too, but my revised and updated edition did.  I really enjoyed having both books in one place, and highly encourage readers to take advantage of both.  This book can be useful for a wide audience.  I would say the age level is more appropriate for late teens and up however.  Check out Newlife.com for more information on Stephen Arterburn and Healing is a Choice.  

Thomas Nelson has provided me with a complimentary copy of this book in order to review it.  I am not required to give a positive review.  All my opinions are my own.


(This review first published on BlogCritics.com)

Today I Choose to Listen

How often as humans do we forget to truly listen to individuals.  We say "Hi, how are you doing," ignore the other person's answer happily, and keep walking past them.  Do you ever stop and really think about how that person is feeling, or what they have been through this very morning?  The more I sit down and talk with people the more my heart breaks and head spins for what others so commonly go through in their very own homes.

To many young adults abuse, addiction, and loneliness has been the theme of their lives.  It is "normal" for them.   Their whole life has been filled with rejection from their parents, abuse from step parents, and horrifying scenes on some of us dare to imagine.  These people amaze me with their strength to get out of bed each morning, much less attempt to live a normal life.  I honestly can't say I would respond so positiviely if I was placed in the same situation.

The craziest part about this is that these people look like you and me, they go to school with us, they worship with us in church, and they eat dinner at our kitchen tables.  We interact with them on a regular basis and claim to know them quite well, but when it comes down to it we have never actually asked to hear their story.  The background of lies and hurt is still being hidden by the father of darkness.  When will we decide to break this facade and truly ask each other how things are going?

One woman in particular comes to mind as I write this.  Before we became frineds she had long since known all of the acquaintances we share through extra-curricular activities.  She has more acquaintances than I do now that I think of it, but when I first met her I could see that she was a girl who easily got skipped over by most people.  Kind of plain, kind of boring, kind of quiet...it was easy to see that most people said their routine hello and walked on by.

However as I really sat down with her and did nothing more than listen.  I began to hear story after story that needed to be told.  She told me of her abusive background, how she coped with it, and how she was very much still dealing with it.  As open as she was you would have thought the whole world knew, but the opposite was the truth.  Hardly anyone had heard this girl's heart-wrenching story of survival.  Why?  Because they wouldn't take the time to listen.  That's it.  She was obviously dieing to talk to someone about all of this, but if no one really asks she has no reason to really tell.

Because she chose to break the silence I have been able to truly pray for her with specific heart-felt prayers that God listens and responds too.  Speaking of, God listens to us thousands of times more than we listen to him or anyone else.  Perhaps it is time to change that.

Who do you know (or not know I should say) that has been placed in your life with a story to tell?  Who have you not really asked about lately?  Do you think this is a reflection of not caring?  Jesus tells us to put others above ourselves, what does this look like in your conversations with other people?

Perhaps there is someone who needs your prayers and support, someone you talk to but never listen to.

A little note on Suffering...

In Philippians Chapter 1 Paul is greeting the church when he tells them he is in prison. Although this is a huge dramatic thing for most people, he tells them he rejoices because of what has happened to him. Look at verses 18-20

"It is important that in every way, whether from false motives or true, Christ is preached. (talking about people who started preaching the gospel when he got thrown in jail.) 

And because of this I rejoice. 

Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. 

I eagerly expect and hope that I will in now ay be ashamed, but will have suffience courage so that now as always CHRIST will be exalted in my body..."

As humans, we automatically think bad situations are about us. We are quick to get down on ourselves and others, and we rationalize the situation according to something we have said or done. But the truth is, NOTHING is about us!! The gospel is about GOD coming down to glorify himself and bring us back to him! The same thing is true in our suffering. These temporary situations are going to glorify God somehow! He is putting you through this because he thinks you are strong enough to handle it. If you were weak you would have already quit by now. 

It's not a strength that you normally think of either, it's complete dependence on God, a giving up of your earthly strength, a weakness--that's what gives you the peace and hope to look up and keep going. It's not about you or what you've done--it's about an awesome God-story in the making.

Love you and praying for you...

Attack at the Altar pt. 2

Matthew 19:4-6 

"Haven't you read," he replied, 

"that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female and said, '

For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, 

and the two will become one flesh'?  

So they are no longer two, but one.  

Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

Of course Satan is going to attack your marriage, it is a good and perfect gift from God.  God wants to use you and your spouse to bring glory to himself through your ministry to the church, your ministry to your friends, and your ministry to your children or future children someday.  Study the Bible and you will soon find that God likes to bless people through generations.  Those generations start with one marriage, wholly and fully dedicated to the Lord.

Read the book of Ruth and you will see her God-fearing love for Boaz is what gave them a marriage that glorified God vibrantly.  Not only did God use their marriage for his glory while they were alive, but he blessed their children and their children's children, all the way down to through the lineage of Jesus Christ himself.  Kind of reminds me of an old country song, "All because two people fell in love..."

Don't let the romance get to you though, ask any married couple and I'm sure they will tell you how hard marriage is every single day...mostly because Satan doesn't want their marriage to glorify God.  It would be so emmaculate that he shutters at the thought of it.  Learn to fight off Satan so God can be glorified!

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If Satan is attacking your marriage you better get up and fight before you lose this God-honoring opportunity!  Ask God to show you how to fight, how to love, and how to humbly walk with Him.  Pray that the devil would be chained so that he no longer has a presence in your household.  Seek Godly advice from strong Christians around you.

And if your relationship is not being attacked, perhaps you should ask yourself: are you glorifying God with your marriage?  Doing nothing at all is the same thing as not honoring God.  What can you and your spouse do today that will bring God honor and praise in your home?  Who can you help?  How can you show your spouse the love of Christ through your actions?

Attack at the Altar!

Has it been made obvious to you yet that Satan loves to attack our relationships, and specifically our marriages?  This would explain the sky-high divorce rate and increasing marital problems heard about from day to day.  This would also explain why more than half of all children come from broken families.

So why does Satan so often chose this venue?  Probably because it is the most threatening to his status!  I've heard many wise men say that the family is the center of society, and when you think about it, it is true.

For example, our law officials say, "Our education system sucks, so lets hire more teachers."  The teachers teach and explain and show all day long, and then they give their children 4 pages to read at home.  But what happens next?  If half of those children go home and have no one to read to, no one to help them, encourage them, or support them, then what happens to that education?

I have also researched lately that people who experience physical or sexual abuse as a child are very much more likely to experience mental health issues as an adult than someone who was not abused.  What's even sadder is that half of those sexually and physically abused children were abused inside their very own home.  This is why a strong marriage and God-centered family is so important.

Satan knows the word of God, and because of that he realizes how huge of a threat a strong marriage is to him.  For example:

• Proverbs 5:18 "May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
• Proverbs 12:4 "A wife of noble character is her husband's crown..."
• Proverbs 18:22 "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord."
• Proverbs 19:4 "...a prudent wife is from the Lord."

Singles:  Are you studying God's word now, learning about spiritual warfare, loving others outside yourself, and glorifying God?  There are billions of things the Bible will teach that will help prepare you for a God-glorifying marriage now.  Why struggle through heartache and torture if you don't have to?  Start chasing after God now.

Couples: Do you realize how much power your marriage holds for the kingdom of God??

God wants to do huge amazing things through your relationship, things like salvation to the lost, hope for the weary, and godly examples for young people like me.  

Stand Your Ground

Wow.  It still amazes me how much power Satan thinks he has.
As children of God we are no longer slaves to sin or Satan.  The creator of the universe has bought us with the price of his son!  So we can't just lay around all day letting Satan drag us away from our divine calling.  He wants us to mess up.  He's trying to trap us.  All day everyday is a battle against the prince of darkness.  It's a struggle, a fight, a war.  

Galatians 6:12-13 says,

 "For our struggle is not against the flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.

Therefore, put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand."

Do you see what this is saying Christian!?  That fight you had with your best friend was not about who should wear what.  The fight between the music minister and the pastor is not purely about Sunday school lessons, and the fight you had with your wife isn't because you don't love each other.

It's spiritual warfare.  It's forces going against us in the spiritual realm.  Sometimes these forces are even used against ourselves like Paul talks about in Romans 7.  "I do not understand what I do.  For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do."  The battle isn't to be fought horizontally, but vertically. 

What's your relationship with God been like lately?  How have your personal daily quiet times with him been going?  Do you seek his will in every decision you make?  Are you applying the Word to your life?

Perhaps your friendships and relationships are struggling because you haven't fully grasped what God means when he says, "Love others as you love yourself."  Sure you know from memory and you've heard it your whole life, but do you truly understand what that looks like?  Have you seen that in your own service towards others?  Get in the Word and you'll find out.  Pray! Ask God to show you obviously what loving others looks like.

Struggling with personal desires and temptations?  Not sure how to stop doing what you don't need to be doing?  Look to God and the Bible and you'll see that you're not alone, you're not fighting yourself, and that God is with you and he wants to help you if you will ask.

Pray about it.  Get in the Word.  Seek God's face.

2 Ways Satan Attacks

Sometimes it seems as though Satan will use anyone and anything to get to you.  What has he been using against you lately?

When you step back and look at Satan's tactics, they're really not that hard to figure out.  In fact, most of the time it is something God has previously warned us about.  We hear the warning and abide by it for a couple days, then forget for a split second when Bam! Satan hits us with that very thing.  Here are two examples to clarify what I'm trying to say.

1. Friends.
   Lately I've seen this happen to some girls I know, but I have also seen this in my life a few times.  It's the little things Satan likes to pick at when it comes to older Christians, for example: personalities.  As Christians we are called to humbly love and serve others, treating them with the utmost respect that says "they are better than me." (Philippians 2:3-4, Matthew 22:39, Mark 10:45, Matthew 25:45)
   
   This alone is not of our human nature, it is a process we must learn through faith in God.  As the love we have for our God grows, the more that love spills out to other people around us.  Be mindful that God's word doesn't say "Love others who are like you", or "Only serve who you feel led to serve."  No, God's word shows us that we are to love and serve all people for his glory.  (John 4:9-10, Galatians 6:2, Galatians 5:14)
   
   Therefore, don't let Satan break up a Christ-founded friendship because your church preferences are different, your styles don't match up, or because one of you is an introvert and the other an extrovert.  God brings all things together for his good and his glory, and if he brought you together in the first place, he must definitely have a plan for this friendship.
   
    Besides that, we will always have a hard time loving certain people, but learning to love is a lifelong strengthening process.  The more we do it, the easier it will become.  This advice can also be applied to a marriage.  And for those who are single, start practicing for marriage now by loving your friends despite their human flaws and differences.  God didn't turn you away.
   
2. Music
   If you've been reading this blog for any time at all, you probably know how big this one is for me.  I do realize Satan may use this tactic more on me than he does some people, but I still have a point to make so keep reading.
   
   Every single move we make today can either glorify our maker or slap him in the face.  What you put on when you get dressed, what you say when your mom calls, and what comes out of your headphones.  The bible says to focus on things that are "praiseworthy", that is--things that are worth praising.  (Philippians 4:8)  If you are a Christian who has made God the Lord of your life, the only thing that should be praise worthy in your opinion should be the things of God. (Philippians 3:8)  Everything else is a loss compared to Him.
   
   That being said, does the music you listen to glorify God or slap him in the face?  Does it hold truth would stood against the Word of God?  Is this something you would be ashamed to listen to around weaker Christians, the lost, or your parents?  Music is so heavily immersed in our culture that we often tell ourselves what we listen to on our own personal iPod doesn't really matter, when in fact this is a lie from Satan.  Trash in, trash out.
   
   Listening to filthy rap songs will give you filthy thoughts, likewise listening to "good" music that isn't bad, but doesn't necessarily glorify God, will turn your thought life in to just that, thoughts that aren't necessarily bad, but thoughts that don't exactly glorify God either.  Christian, be careful what you listen to.  Satan uses the smallest things to slowly drag us away from what we were created to do, which is glorify our maker.  

1 Peter 5:8-9
"Be self-controlled and alert.
Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion
looking for someone to devour.

Resist him, standing firm in the faith,
because you know that your brothers throughout the world
are undergoing the same kind of sufferings."

I ask again, what has Satan been using in your life?  Look at the small things that have led you astray, then cut them off.  Ask God to restore you to him and replace that hole with something heavenly.

To the Middle-Aged Couple Getting a Divorce:

To the Middle-Aged Couple Getting a Divorce,

     My heart literally breaks at the sound of this.  To think of all the pain and hurt you two will have to go through during this process must not be anywhere close to the pain and hurt you feel from inside your marriage right now.

    Relationships are hard, people are hard to figure out, and often we don't understand what we are trying to communicate to each other.  This is not a failed choice of spouse, nor is it a failure to you as a person.  It's the way God miraculously and interestingly designed us.

 Who knows why he made women emotionally based and men logically based. (Waffles and Spaghetti)  Who knows why women operate best when they know and feel love and why men work best when they know and feel respected, (Love and Respect)  but the truth of the matter is, he did design us that way for a purpose.

    His purpose was obviously not so we could fly by in this life, taking everything effortlessly and happily, but then again, no part of life is like that.  The hardest times we experience are given to us as an option to grow or break, while God stands on the side of the field screaming with all of his heart, cheering us on, wishing and hoping, that we will take the right path.  He wants us to run to him in these times so he can reveal himself to us in a way only available through suffering.  

    Perhaps if our species wasn't so prideful, and we automatically ran to him for every detail in our lives, we wouldn't have to be persuaded through pain that he knows best.
    Malachi chapter 2 talks about a sinful people who are constantly filled with tears as they wonder why God doesn't accept their offerings with pleasure.

 Malachi's answer: "It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant."


    Then Malachi 2:16-17 says, "So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.  "I hate divorce," says the Lord God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the Lord Almighty.  So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith."


    If the wording of this verse seems a little confusing to you, check out the difference in translations of Micah 2:15 here.
    God has given you a beautiful thing called marriage, and he has also given you the choice of a second blessing, this is called suffering.  Use it to make you stronger or weaker, but seek God's will.

      Sincerely,
               A young lady praying and watching for God's hope to shine through in your life


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"Unrepented adultery may provide biblical grounds for release from the marriage covenant, 

but divorce does not solve the problems that led to it.  

Divorce changes relationships, situations, and locations, 

but it doesn't change the heart."

                                               --Paul David Tripp in his book: Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands

My soul will rest in you.

Troubles surround me, chaos abounding

My soul will rest in You.

I will not fear the war, I will not fear the storm

My help is on the way, my help is on the way

Oh, my God, He will not delay

My refuge and strength always

I will not fear, His promise is true

My God will come through always, always

                          --Kristian Stanfill: Always

This is a beautiful song of the comfort, hope, and peace God gives us when life gets a little crazy.  I think the hardest part about receiving this comfort is letting God give it to you.  I talk to people all the time who really want help and comfort from God, but yet they are too stubborn to lay down their troubles.  We think if we just keep trying things we will ultimately fix the problem themselves.

 It's a control thing we all have as humans.  We feel like it is our right to be in control of our own life, and we don't want no help from no body!  This is fine for those who don't mind misery--but God has something so much bigger and better in store for his children if we will let him show us!!


      Step 1:  Recognize that your life is not your own, you were bought with a price.

1 Corinthians 6:19-20

"Do  you know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own; you were bought with a price.  Therefore honor God with your body.

Galatians 2:20

"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me.  The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

When you become a Christian you accept that you are a sinner, and that you need help and forgiveness from God Almighty himself.  You also confess him as Lord.  This means you give him control over your thoughts (2 Corinthians 10:5,)  your desires (Psalm 37:4,) and your plans (Proverbs 16:3.)  

This is not a natural occurrence, it is the result of an overflowing heart for God that says, "I love God so incredibly much, because I realize I deserve nothing he has given me, and because of that I choose to lay down my life for him and let his glory be made known through me, and this way others will come to know the hope and peace that I have found in Him."

     Step 2: Realize that God has everything under control.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Isaiah 41:13 (MSG)

"That's right.  Because I, your God, have a firm grip on you and I'm not letting go."

If God can create an entire intricate universe that includes insects, the molecular biology of plants, every internal and external organ of the human being, all the millions of different animals in the world, and magnificent nature, in just 6 days, what makes us thing he can't handle our momentary problems?  Yes, it might be cancer, a divorce, or rumors--but we're talking about the GOD OF THE UNIVERSE here!!  He has this whole thing planned out already!  One way or another he is going to get glory from this and you are either going to go closer or farther away from him depending on what you chose (Joshua 24:15.)

     Step 3: Lay it down.

1 Peter 5:7

"Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

Philippians 4:6

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

As a human, one of the hardest things you'll do is admit that you can't do it by yourself, and that you need help.  However, if we come to this realization that God can handle it, and he does know what's best for us, we can start to receive his help.  We just have to humble ourselves and lay down our controlling hearts first (2 Chronicles 7:14.)

    Step 4: Let him comfort you.

Psalms 34:18 (MSG)

"If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there."

Psalm 73:26

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

After we initially lay down our plans, troubles, or whatever, it is often instinct to pick it right back up when God starts to do work.  This just takes us right back where we started though.  It is important to remember to keep your pile of stuff at God's feet.  Stop trying to take back the reigns and control it yourself.  YOU WILL MESS UP if you keep trying to fix it in your strength alone.  Let Go and Let God.

Alisson's Story-3

 (Continuing from Alisson's Story-2)

The next day I was having lunch with some friends from church. I told them what was on my heart and how God was moving. Sadly, they told me I was crazy and that Tate was perfect for me.

Yes, Tate would have been perfect for me, if he had been God’s perfect choice.  But I was beginning to realize he wasn’t much of a spiritual leader at all...

Now, the reason my “church friends” didn’t understand was because they weren’t currently digging into the Word themselves. (I urge you guys when seeking Godly counsel, be wise who you go to and make sure they have scripture backing up their thoughts on that subject.)  

After hearing this from my friends I became sick to my stomach! I was deeply hurt by what they were saying! As soon as I came home I started digging deep into Gods word! I read verses like Psalm 20:6-7, Mathew 6:33, and Proverbs 3:5-6 all which told me to TRUST and SEEK God!

 A few hours later I started having trouble with my heart. I’ve had problems with me heart for about two years now, but no cardiologist knows what’s wrong with me. Normally this is when Tate would comfort me. He would tell me everything was going to be ok and he would hold me in his arms. This made me very uneasy about everything, all I knew was I wanted Tate and our old relationship back. I didn’t care anymore.

So I called Tate and we talked. He knew something was wrong and I had told him about my heart and what I was going through with him not leading me spiritually! 

Before I called him, I was so upset I wrote him a letter and read it to him over the phone to him. It said:

Tate, where do I begin, you make me so frustrated! I have so much anger inside of me I feel like I’m about to burst from the inside. Why can’t you change? Why is it so hard to talk to you about God? Why can’t you lead me spiritually? I feel miserable; I just could never admit it to myself! I told you once already how important it is to me to be lead spiritually. I need to be lead spiritually and you need to be in the Word. I love you so much …..You have my heart…..But God doesn’t agree! I miss you all the time…I miss your hugs, your kisses, and your arms wrapped around me for security. But I don’t need security from you, I need it from my Lord. Tate, I am falling to pieces…

Then I asked him to pray for me and for us, he answered with words I will never forget.  He said, “If you want a man like that then you are going to have find someone else!”   Rapidly my thoughts began to run wild, this is the same man who just told me he was deploying to Libya in 6 months and begged me not to leave him. This is the same man who I had asked to lead me spiritually and he said he would work on it and rededicated his life 2 months later. This was the man I was thinking about marrying! How could he say that?  Did he know how badly he just hurt me? I was crushed.

He told me how stupid I was and said things I’d never even heard my worst enemy say.  He told me I was worthless and that I would never have a bright future. When I got off the phone I went to see Julie. I walked in her room and she immediately knew what had happened. She met me, gave me hug and then we sat down and talked...

(More to follow...)

I don't know about you, but I too have had a similar experience to this.  In high school I called my serious boyfriend to tell him I was going to follow hard after God.  He laughed in my face and told me he was sleeping with my best friend at that moment.  Sometimes we trust people just because they are conveniently there.  At the time I felt like it was the end of the world.  I felt like I was completely alone, but that's when God stepped in. :) 

Is there something that's been cutting in to your time with God?  Has he laid it on your heart to give up something or someone in order to better follow him?  Have you experienced the freedom in letting go?  Or the pain of disobedience?