A Video for the Men

Ezra 10:4

"Rise up; this matter is in your hands.  We will support you, so take courage and do it."

Men: Are you fighting for your wife?  Are you preparing to be the man your future wife needs you to be?  How can you practice standing up now?

Women: Are you letting your husband stand up for you?  Are you praying for the strength of your future husband?  How can you practice encouraging now?

Also check out: My Plea to the Guys

Unconditional Love

My cousin Brian has been going through a tough time lately.  After being married for only one year, he and his wife decided to take some time a part.  It has now been two months and he has only received a few text messages from his wife over the past two weeks.  He has not seen her, touched her, or held her all this time, and she is his wife.  With this kind of treatment most people would tell Brian to give up, throw in the towel, and call it quits.

Thankfully, my cousin serves a God greater than himself, and because of his love for Christ he has chosen to love his wife.  Ephesians 5:21 says, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ."  This is how we know it is biblical to love regardless of what we receive in return.


In Dr. Emerson Eggerich's book, Love and Respect, he uses the acronym COUPLE to explain to men how to love their wives unconditionally. The best way for a man to love his wife is through Closeness, Openness, Understanding, Peacemaking, Loyalty, and Esteem.  For the full synopsis of each word you will have to read the book and apply it to your own life.


One of the practical application steps for husbands is to write their wives love notes.  Brian chose to do this just the other day.  I have chosen to share his note with you all as an example of loving selflessly.  Keep in mind she hasn't given him the time of day for the past two weeks.

"...I want you to know that I'm sorry for the way I have been for our first year of marriage and even before that. I was just plugging through life with no direction or motivation. Maybe I thought well I'm married now that's all I need, no reason to try and improve anything. I hope that you can forgive me for being so disconnected to you and for being so lazy. Regardless of whether you decide to give our love another chance or not please forgive my actions. Even if you feel there is nothing to forgive, I assure you there is. I cannot make you love me, nor would I want to try to put you through that. But I do offer you my love, it has always been there even though my actions didn't always show it. While I also have some doubt about whether we can make this work or not, I am still hanging on to a tiny glimmer of hope that you will still want to try. Don't you think we owe it to ourselves to at least try? This excerpt was quite encouraging to me. I feel like I have changed quite a bit the last couple of months. I am still not even close to where I want to be, but definitely headed in the right direction. I know you mentioned something similar in your letter to me. I see no reason he cannot head in these directions together, no reason we cannot shine our brightest together. I am humbled today for what I have been through recently. I am thankful for your actions, regardless of the final outcome, because they have awoken me from a great slumber and in turn began to make me a better man. I am excited to see you Thursday. I have no expectations of anything but am remaining hopeful. Just know that I am still here waiting to love you, if you are ready, if you are willing."

This is an example of reflecting Christ's love for us.  We did nothing in the first place to receive it, yet no person in their right mind can run from this much love and commitment.  Have you ever realized just how much Christ loves you, despite your decision to run from him?  Look at this excerpt from Nehemiah chapter 9.  In just three short verses God's unconditional love for us is made abundantly clear.

Nehemiah 9:29-31

"You warned them to return to your law, but they became arrogant and disobeyed your commands. 

 they sinned against your ordinances, by which man will live if he obeys them. 

 Stubbornly they turned their backs on you, became stiff-necked and refused to listen. 

 For many years you were patient with them. 

 By your spirit you admonished them through your prophets. 

 Yet they paid no attention, so you handed them over to the neighboring peoples. 

 But in your great mercy you did not put an end to them or abandon them, 

for you are a gracious and merciful God."

Jesus Paid it All.

Love and Respect

Ephesians 5:33

"However, each one of you also must

love his wife as he loves himself,

and the wife must respect the husband."

Dr. Emerson Eggerichs wrote an entire book over this one tiny verse.  The biblical insight and wisdom found within this verse and book is astounding.  The essential fundamentals of marriage are found within this verse, yet we have seemed to overlook it for the past two-hundred years.

In Eggerich's book, Love and Respect, he explains that unconditional love for the wife is a common concept.  Wives all over the country quickly agree that this is biblical and it should without a doubt be practiced within marriage.  Unconditional respect, on the other hand, scares wives to death, and has never been discussed in church, the home, or the marriage.

Despite its lack of popularity, the last part of Ephesians 5:33 says, "the wife must respect the husband."  This means unconditional respect for the husband is a biblical command.  Love and Respect explains that men and women speak two very different languages, (this is no surprise,) he feels most alive and appreciated when he is respected, where as she feels most alive and appreciated when she is loved.

Although these two concepts seem to overlap with similarity, the demonstration and verbalization of each is very different.  This is where Eggerichs lays out two simple acronyms to help wives and husbands practically apply the Love and Respect model to their lives.  (More notes on that soon.)

Dr. Eggerichs explains what he calls, "The Crazy Cycle," which explains without love she reacts without respect, and without respect he reacts without love.  This is why couples find themselves fighting over the smallest and silliest of things.  

To combat The Crazy Cycle, couples must get on "The Energizing Cycle," which says, his love motivates her respect and her respect motivates his love.  The scary part is that one person within the couple has to step forward and apply the process first.  This is why it is often so hard for people to get on The Energizing Cycle, yet those following Christ wholeheartedly will find it essential to their walk.

The end of the book wraps everything by explaining that the ultimate goal is not respecting your husband so you can get what you want, but respecting him so you can honor Christ and gain a reward in heaven.  The same goes for husbands who love their wives.

Love and Respect is an amazing book that many counselors require for marriage counseling.  I recommend the book to any married couple, whether their marriage is horrible, average, or wonderful.  Eggerichs has amazing biblical truths in this book that every couple should read about.  Not only is it biblical, but scientific too.  Dr. Emerson Eggerichs has conducted hours of research, surveys, and academic papers over this very subject.  After reading the book, I trust his opinion and found truths very much.  Check out Amazon.com for a copy today! :)

Also check out my former post: the Love and Respect video

Love and Respect for the Married Folk

This is an extremely important message from a wonderful book I just started by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs.  Love and Respect explains deep biblical truths about marriage and the conflicts that couples face daily within marriage.  In this short segment Eggerichs explains "the crazy cycle" of marriage and how to defeat this cycle with biblical truths from Ephesians 5:33.

www.loveandrespect.com 

Today I Choose to Listen

How often as humans do we forget to truly listen to individuals.  We say "Hi, how are you doing," ignore the other person's answer happily, and keep walking past them.  Do you ever stop and really think about how that person is feeling, or what they have been through this very morning?  The more I sit down and talk with people the more my heart breaks and head spins for what others so commonly go through in their very own homes.

To many young adults abuse, addiction, and loneliness has been the theme of their lives.  It is "normal" for them.   Their whole life has been filled with rejection from their parents, abuse from step parents, and horrifying scenes on some of us dare to imagine.  These people amaze me with their strength to get out of bed each morning, much less attempt to live a normal life.  I honestly can't say I would respond so positiviely if I was placed in the same situation.

The craziest part about this is that these people look like you and me, they go to school with us, they worship with us in church, and they eat dinner at our kitchen tables.  We interact with them on a regular basis and claim to know them quite well, but when it comes down to it we have never actually asked to hear their story.  The background of lies and hurt is still being hidden by the father of darkness.  When will we decide to break this facade and truly ask each other how things are going?

One woman in particular comes to mind as I write this.  Before we became frineds she had long since known all of the acquaintances we share through extra-curricular activities.  She has more acquaintances than I do now that I think of it, but when I first met her I could see that she was a girl who easily got skipped over by most people.  Kind of plain, kind of boring, kind of quiet...it was easy to see that most people said their routine hello and walked on by.

However as I really sat down with her and did nothing more than listen.  I began to hear story after story that needed to be told.  She told me of her abusive background, how she coped with it, and how she was very much still dealing with it.  As open as she was you would have thought the whole world knew, but the opposite was the truth.  Hardly anyone had heard this girl's heart-wrenching story of survival.  Why?  Because they wouldn't take the time to listen.  That's it.  She was obviously dieing to talk to someone about all of this, but if no one really asks she has no reason to really tell.

Because she chose to break the silence I have been able to truly pray for her with specific heart-felt prayers that God listens and responds too.  Speaking of, God listens to us thousands of times more than we listen to him or anyone else.  Perhaps it is time to change that.

Who do you know (or not know I should say) that has been placed in your life with a story to tell?  Who have you not really asked about lately?  Do you think this is a reflection of not caring?  Jesus tells us to put others above ourselves, what does this look like in your conversations with other people?

Perhaps there is someone who needs your prayers and support, someone you talk to but never listen to.

To the Middle-Aged Couple Getting a Divorce:

To the Middle-Aged Couple Getting a Divorce,

     My heart literally breaks at the sound of this.  To think of all the pain and hurt you two will have to go through during this process must not be anywhere close to the pain and hurt you feel from inside your marriage right now.

    Relationships are hard, people are hard to figure out, and often we don't understand what we are trying to communicate to each other.  This is not a failed choice of spouse, nor is it a failure to you as a person.  It's the way God miraculously and interestingly designed us.

 Who knows why he made women emotionally based and men logically based. (Waffles and Spaghetti)  Who knows why women operate best when they know and feel love and why men work best when they know and feel respected, (Love and Respect)  but the truth of the matter is, he did design us that way for a purpose.

    His purpose was obviously not so we could fly by in this life, taking everything effortlessly and happily, but then again, no part of life is like that.  The hardest times we experience are given to us as an option to grow or break, while God stands on the side of the field screaming with all of his heart, cheering us on, wishing and hoping, that we will take the right path.  He wants us to run to him in these times so he can reveal himself to us in a way only available through suffering.  

    Perhaps if our species wasn't so prideful, and we automatically ran to him for every detail in our lives, we wouldn't have to be persuaded through pain that he knows best.
    Malachi chapter 2 talks about a sinful people who are constantly filled with tears as they wonder why God doesn't accept their offerings with pleasure.

 Malachi's answer: "It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant."


    Then Malachi 2:16-17 says, "So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.  "I hate divorce," says the Lord God of Israel, "and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the Lord Almighty.  So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith."


    If the wording of this verse seems a little confusing to you, check out the difference in translations of Micah 2:15 here.
    God has given you a beautiful thing called marriage, and he has also given you the choice of a second blessing, this is called suffering.  Use it to make you stronger or weaker, but seek God's will.

      Sincerely,
               A young lady praying and watching for God's hope to shine through in your life


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"Unrepented adultery may provide biblical grounds for release from the marriage covenant, 

but divorce does not solve the problems that led to it.  

Divorce changes relationships, situations, and locations, 

but it doesn't change the heart."

                                               --Paul David Tripp in his book: Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands