Day 1: Blocked Creatives

Yesterday in art class I spoke of this to another young woman in the class with me.  She was an art teacher for K-5.  She just finished her first year and hated it, yet signed up for a second year anyway.  We talked about how we both had great jobs, yet felt completely unsatisfied--like we were longing to do something else, something creative.  But the question lingered, do we do that now and risk poverty, or are we supposed to be miserable the first 40 years of our life so we can comfortably enjoy this freedom on the backslide?  As my new friend Kristen said, “Sounds like a miserable way to live, to me.”

But as I looked around the room at the other 6 students, four of them had shared stories about miserably working for corporate for ++ years before they finally retired and began to pursue art.  Between the other two students, one was a local artist who owned her own family gallery and taught metal-smithing regularly, and the other was a middle school art teacher who lived on a farm south of Eureka.  Although she said she enjoyed her job, she also said she hated dealing with students all day.

So what were we really doing there?  It seems as though we were all just looking for validation as artists.  Are we good enough, Barbara?  Is this okay?  How does this look?

I don’t think these questions were as much physical as they were spiritual.  We were asking for healing to our broken spirit.  Too many times people told us we couldn’t, and this was our small, 3-day escape into a dream we might like to pursue some day.

One student I particularly felt for.  She sat in the back of the room and seemed to enjoy herself more than any of us.  She laughed and played and encouraged the rest of us.  When she shared her story it was a similar path I have seen myself on.  She was almost an art teacher.  She earned a Bachelor’s degree in Art or Psychology or something, and then spent 40 years being a waitress.  Throughout these 40 years she had always dabbled in painting, yet never fully pursued it.  She has always wanted to be an artist.

Two my left were the two Lindas.  Linda O. and Linda G.  Linda O’Neal was 71, though she didn’t look a day over 50.  She was a fun, spunky, I-can’t-believe-your-a-grandma type.  She had been a hairdresser for 25 years, then in her 40s decided she wanted to be a nurse, so she did that for 25 more years before retiring.  Now she and Linda G. are part of an art gallery in Hardee, Arkansas.  They spend all their time taking and organizing art classes.  They group together with 29 other women to run this gallery and keep the spirit alive.  She was fun and helpful and peaceful.

Linda G. was originally from Boston, and her accent stuck in my dreams after day 1.  Fun and yet the most boisterous student, I see her story as somewhat sad.  She was one had worked corporate for many years, finding herself very successful and very miserable.  She retired and moved to Saint Croy in the Caribbean for a while, where she met her current husband. He owned land in Hardee, and that is where she moved and met Linda O.  The two were the best of friends and quite a hoot to fellowship with.

The ESSA intern, Anja was 3 years younger than me.  She is a student at the University of Arkansas in Fayetteville.  Born and Raised in Bentonville, yet her parents own a restaurant in Eureka Springs so she spends much time here.  She is majoring in Art and Drawing.  She told me of her dreams.  She said she would take any job she could get after graduating so she could eventually move up to a high-paying, well-respected job.  She is going into her junior year.  I said the same thing when I was her age.  A year later I was miserable.

Life is a funny thing.  What are we all doing here?  Why do we have desires and longings and pains that won’t go away unless we do a certain thing.  It’s called purpose, but why is it such a consuming thing?  Why can’t we just turn it off and be happy?  We can turn it off, but happiness is not the result.

I don’t want to have to wait till I’m 50 to uncover my inner artist.  I want this heart of me to grow up with me, flowing over with love and confidence.

It’s a spiritual journey and I need the help of self and Christ to nurture this desire.  I know without a doubt I am born to write and paint.  I am born to dance and sing and love.  

Where do I go from here?

Passion.

The older I get the more I realize that the world is somewhat void of passionate people.  I mean people who live out of their passion are really, really hard to find.

I think most people do the day to day thing and then use what's leftover to hide their passion in their back bedroom once or twice a month.

I have so much respect for people who do what they love.  There is a big difference in purchasing items or services from someone who is successful but not passionate, than from purchasing from someone who is passionate but maybe not the most well-known.

I have a few passionate friends, mostly older.  I think younger people are often times in search of what their passion is.  Fortunately, some find it by the time mid-thirties hit.  Others, spend a lifetime searching.

I want to always surround myself with passionate people if I can.  They are few and far between, which makes them unique, special--worth holding on to.  I have love and compassion for people who do what they feel they should be doing, and with no other explanation but a gut-wrenching feeling that fuels them.

Passion is a tricky thing.  Describing it is like trying to describe water.  It's there, and we know it when we see it, but how do we describe it?  I have a lot of passion for a lot of things and it scares me.  It scares me because I know it is possible for this fuel to run out, and when the fuel runs out it is not a pretty feeling.

Passion takes lots of care and maintenance.  Over do it and you risk losing it all, but under do it and you'll never live.  The ying and yang of it all is very spiritual, personal and delicate.  It takes a sensitive spirit to nurture passion within oneself.  And that is one reason why passion is absolutely terrifying. 

The dictionary has a few definitions, the first being:  1. a strong and barely controllable emotion.

This fits what I am talking about.  Passion is the fire in your soul that makes you want to do something, sometimes for reasons you don't understand, or sometimes for no reason at all.  It's the kick in the stomach that just says you absolutely have to do something or else you'll be miserable.  Now that I am describing it, I think passion sounds a lot like the holy spirit.  Perhaps they are similar.  Perhaps they are one in the same.

I think passion, creativity and spirituality all run deeply into one another.  Talk to many artists and they can tell you that their creations are built to heal both themselves and others.

For some reason the modern church has shut out these things--mostly because they are uncontrollable and can potentially cause someone to act out of the order of service.

Fortunately, there are many churches who have been made aware of this problem and now welcome a more creative, spirit-filled worship style.  I believe this is how it was meant to be.  Look how creative and free God is every single day.  The clouds change by the minute, from loud and majestic to soft and fluffy, and finally a bright pink with purple whims.

God is definitely a God of order as well.  24 hours in each day are as consistent as time itself.  God is a God of order yes, but he is also a God of spirit-led performance, living and confession.

When the fullness of life has filled you to the measure, it is only natural for passion to spill out.  Passion doesn't spill out politely as a formula.  Passion spills out wildly like a rainbow suddenly bursting into crazy liquid; spilling all over the place and making a big huge, beautiful, crazy mess.  We often times do not know where our rainbow liquid will land.  We don't know what works and what doesn't till we give it a whirl.  Fortunately, somewhere amidst the chaos and covering, we find the purpose.  We find the tick--the thing that all consumingly screams "YES!"

That's when passion is on point.

Interestingly enough, the second definition google gives me for passion is this: 2. the suffering and death of Jesus.

Is passion what Jesus felt as he died on the cross for our sins?  Did his strong and uncontrollable emotion rise up from his gut and fulfill him with desire that could not be satisfied until he finished what he was sent to do?  I think, yes.

Death was Jesus' purpose.  It was his God-given purpose so that we could all live a free life.   A life free of sin, free of death and full of passion...if we choose it.

Passion is what gives us meaning.  It's what makes our life matter and our time count.  Jesus was the perfect example of this.

How Taylor Swift Inspired Me

Yesterday morning I watched the E! True Hollywood Story about Taylor Swift.  The show interviewed her and her family, friends and coworkers.  It documented her success and story from birth till now.  For one thing, I found the documentary interesting because I have watched Taylor Swift's success explode during the past few years of my lifetime.  For another thing, she is only a year older than me and that puts things in a real-life perspective for me.  But the most wonderful part about the show was that it inspired me.

 Taylor Swift's story inspired me in the deep parts of my soul that need to constantly be inspired in order to gravitate toward the level of success they were meant to be a part of.  You see, Swift's success didn't happen over night like we sometimes like to think.  Her story shared the parts of her childhood that were purposely arranged for such a moment as this.

From a young age Swift new she wanted to write music.  She played and sang and wrote all during her childhood.

By age eleven or so she had determined this as her biggest dream, so she took steps towards following that dream.  When she realized how much harder she needed to work to get to her goal, she did.  She worked extremely hard every day, and still does.  Classes, lessons, practice and lots of hours are how she got to where she is today.  It was not chance, luck or circumstance.  It was hard work, inspiration and purpose.

I believe strongly that Taylor Swift is exactly where she needs to be.  God gave her the ability to communicate and heal people through her song writing.  I think that is beautiful.  Much like Swift, we too have purposes that we were created for and that we need to be working our tail off for.

For me, it's writing and painting.  From the earliest of ages I can remember claiming that I wanted to be "an artist and an author" when I grew up.  In third grade a won a state-wide writing contest and I always won county fair awards for my artwork.  These were neat and all, but then I got distracted in middle school.  Friends, sports and everything in between became my focus for a few years.  I don't regret those years though, I learned a lot.

In high school it was all about finishing the race first.  I studied hard, took all my required classes and worked my hardest to win track medals, golf medals and cheerleading honors, and I did.  By my senior year I had taken all of my required classes except my two art requirements.  How silly, I though.  Art was were my passion was, yet I had hardly slowed down long enough to take a single art class during my high school education.  I took beginning art and choir that year.  Those two classes quickly became two of my favorite classes in high school.

In junior college I wanted to major in Art, but I was told there was no future or money in it.  While this redirected my focus, it was also very practical advice that led me to where I am today.  Regardless, I majored in Liberal Arts and took as many art-related classes as I could, which included Painting I and II.  These were the classes that fueled my fire.  I learned how to use oil paints and fell in love with the process and technique of such.

From there I went to a university and got back on the rat race track.  All the while I painted at home in my apartment whenever I could find free time.  There were many times when I would have to purposely mark off a full Saturday in my calendar just so I could have painting and writing time.  I loved school, but I needed a break.  God pointed out that I was running the race and going nowhere fast.  He reminded me strongly that I was built to write and paint and that it was okay if that was what I truly desired.

I took a year off from school.  I wrote a short book and painted dozens of pictures.  People began to know me as an artist.  I sold lots of paintings to people who knew me.  I even created a huge sign for a local business that sold for a lot of money.  I was so excited to know that people believed in me.  I was even more excited to believe in myself.  I studied art and art schools all summer and when I finally went back to finish my last semester of college, I told myself I would go back on one condition.  I was going to take some kind of art class while I was there.

So I did.  By default I landed in "Intermediate Painting Process."  I was supposed to have a bunch of foundation classes before I could enroll in this one, but luckily God found some way to get me in.  I enjoyed this class greatly.  Working with other students on a collegiate level brought me great confidence in my work.  I made close friends especially with one girl in our class.  Her and I talked about plans after college and how to take our art journey into the world of post-grad.

Also during that semester I had a lot of time to continue researching and reading.  I bought books and studied the art business process.

I graduated in December and now I have begun a real job.  I am writing, reading, painting and studying as much as I can in my free time.  While I love my job and am learning a ton being there, I still know my deeper purpose is writing and painting.

Last night I wrote out my goals again.  I wrote out my 5 and 10 year goals and the leaps I would take this year to get there.  Everything seems big, until you break it down into pieces.  The pieces are scary until you make a move and realize it isn't.  Fear is invisible and hope is powerful.  Prayer and petition will keep God on your side and there is nothing you can do without him.

A few minutes ago I was asked to speak at a local civic club about my art.  I almost got nauseous at the thought of speaking publicly about my art.  While this scares me deeply for some reason, I know it is something I must do to strengthen my skills and my stance as an artist.  Plus, if I can share what makes me smile with other people, maybe they will find their confidence too.  What's your calling?

Why Are You Here?

Sundays are good days for slowing down, stopping, and thinking about things.  Today we slowed down and watched the movie, "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" (2004.)  The movie is excellent.  It reminded me of the need to slow down and appreciate my purpose in life.

I think we sometimes get on the whirlwind of life, going around and around so fast we forget to breathe.  But it seems to be the slower moments that make the faster moments worth while.  "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" challenged me to stop and think about some things in my life.  Who am I helping on a day-to-day basis?  Who am I hurting?  How can I spend more time with the people I love the most?  And how can I make sure that these people know how much I love them?

Each and every one of us has a divine purpose under heaven.  God miraculously designed it that way.  He designed each of us as a very specifically crafted piece to the giant puzzle.  There are no strangers, just people you haven't met.  There are no random acquaintances.  Every small hourly job is significant.  Each person you pass on the street is meaningful.  Our friends, our family and our business acquaintances are all connected some how.

I think after we leave the finiteness of earth, our minds expand into seeing time a little bit more like our creator sees it.  The older you are the quicker you watch the time fly by.  I hate this, because I can't stop it.  I realize that everything is fleeting and only God, his word and the souls of men last forever.

Because of that truth I used to think that everything outside of church and Bible study was meaningless.  If only three things last forever, why spend time doing anything else?  Why have a job that takes away from that?  Why do things that are only fun for a little while?  It made much more sense to only focus on what would last.

Fortunately, God intervened.  He gave me an anal break and taught me to enjoy life as it is.  I don't have to be perfect, but I'm still learning to let that go.  I don't have to study the Bible 24/7 because it is completely impossible and completely distracting from the real life that goes on beyond that.  I love to worship my Lord and go to church, but I have a social, professional, and personal life outside of that.  These lives are not separate, they are simply different compartments of a single picture.

I think it is interesting that we don't choose as much as we think we choose.  God's plans are sovereign, and that is the truth.  I think our hearts are our guides, and even though we sometimes push against them, we still end up right where God puts us.  Take a minute and look at where you are at.  What specifically are you doing in this chapter of life?  Why did God put you there?  Maybe you hate it and you can't wait to get out of that place.  Perhaps you see it as a waiting period and you are wishing the time to hurry and pass.  Regardless of how you see it, you need to appreciate the moment and understand that purpose lies in you being there.

Now look at the people around you.  Do you see how you effect them on a daily basis?  Is it good or bad?

I think I spend a lot of time wishing I had everyone I love in one place.  After large family or friend gatherings I get really sad.  I just want everyone to stay close by, forever.  Everyone needs to live in the same town as me so we can all be close and happy forever...at least that's the way I see it.

Unfortunately that cannot really happen.  We all have to live in our specific places to fulfill our specific roles.  If my aunts lived in Frederick all the time they wouldn't be able to help people in their towns.  And if my best friends from college didn't do what they do, they wouldn't be where they are supposed to be.  God has a reason and order for everything, we just have to accept it.

Sometimes the over-achiever in me gets anxious and irritated because things aren't perfect.  I want stuff to be in order and by the book every time.  Yet, the more I see of the real world, the more I am understanding the irrationality of this thought.  A lot of times life is about picking up the pieces, feeling in the gaps, and making the most of what's in front of you.  It isn't always glory, perfection and picture-perfect.

It's the gray areas that trick me.  I'm prepared to go all in, or not at all, but when something requires an in-between stage, I panic.  Earlier this year I had a lot of growing pains.  I didn't want to be where I was supposed to be, and I didn't want to grow apart from my friends.  I wanted to do what I wanted to do and leave everyone else out of it.  George Bailey thought the same thing when he graduated...

What happens when you graduate college without a promised career, husband and best friend?  God doesn't care if you didn't have this in your plans, because his are the only ones that matter.

Which is funny, don't you think...life coaches, books and motivational speakers tell you to make plans and goals for yourself--which I totally agree with and do often myself--yet in the end it is God who determines your success or failure with these goals and plans.

I guess that is why I have always marveled at Proverbs 16:9, "In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps."

There is an acquaintance I've met who I find very interesting.  He is one of the best at his craft.  He's one lots of awards around the world and makes lots of money doing what he does.  The funny thing is he works out of a crummy old shop and receives not much notice locally.  He told me once that he had planned to move to the big city and make it big.  It seems to me that he has everything he needs to do this, so I asked him why he never did.  He had a kid, so he stayed in this small town.

I think that is a familiar story for many of us.  While it is easy to blame unplanned inconveniences as excuses for not living out the plans we made for our life early on, I think that this is quite the opposite.  These "unplanned inconveniences" are actually God's humorous way of saying, "Never mind.  Turn around.  Head west instead of east."  God does it so sneakily that we often don't see it as him.  We see it as our arch-nemesis attacking us hypothetically some how, or our bad karma for being naturally sinful humans.

A change of perspective is a powerful thing.  

We don't get it.

Our culture has completely missed it.  We're doing it all wrong.  In no way do I think the way we date honors God.  If it was working the divorce rate in this country wouldn't be 50%.  Love and relationships have become our idols.  I log on to facebook and see three newly formed couples today..all of which discussed this decision for less than a week.  I see pictures upon pictures of teenage couples showing how much they "love" each other.  I see statuses that brag about how awesome their significant other is.  This is all great and wonderful in the context of marriage and real life, but when you've only been dating a week...or when your relationship is in fact 100% about your benefit...it's a sin.  It's idolatry.  That might sound a bit extreme, but this has been on my heart for a while now.

I'm not against dating.  I'm against dating in a way that doesn't glorify God.  Can you honestly look at your last relationship and say that God brought people closer to him because of it?  (Temporary closeness doesn't count either)  God knows who you're going to marry.  He's already picked that person out for you.  He knows how and when you will meet and he knows what wedding colors you'll choose.  Guessing, fantasizing, and picking out different people puts you in God's role, and if you've ever played the role of God in your life before, you know that this is the quickest and easiest road to destruction.

Even at church!  Your sole purpose for being at church--should be to love on GOD, the creator of your life!  The giver of salvation and forgiver of your sins.  The one who loves you with out conditions, the one who loved you before you met this other person, and the one who will love you after this person is gone.  Who is this other human being that they are so important that they can be put before God?  When it is time to worship God, worship God.  Oh wait, that's the whole reason of our existence.  So give your life meaning by worshiping God all the time.  Your relationship with someone else should bring God more glory than you alone, if it doesn't then you shouldn't be in that relationship.

Why do you think you HAVE TO be in a relationship? Why do we struggle so much with being single?  Why do people, even good Christians ASSUME that you are not happy unless you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?  Why does the world tell you there is something wrong with you because you are single?  THESE ARE LIES FROM THE MOUTH OF SATAN!!  Yes, we are meant to be with another person for the rest of our life, and yes we are made for one specific person.  But until God brings you two together, it is his will for you to be single.  He made you a complete and whole person apart from that other being.  You have a role to play as a single person, and he will not lead you into your role as a married person until you have completely the tasks at hand.  God has given you a divine purpose and a divine calling that you and only you can fulfill.  Why are you wasting this precious time by moaning and groaning about not having someone to "share your life with?"

Guess what, PAUL, of the New Testament, the number one spreader of Christianity...yeah, he was never married and look at how God used his life divinely.  Please, don't date just to date.  If you're not ready for marriage you're not ready to date.  If you don't know your identity in Christ, you're not ready to date.  If you are searching for purpose, you don't need to date.  Listen to the whisper in your ear from God Almighty.  He loves you and cherishes you so incredibly much.  Don't slap him in the face by turning to someone or some thing else for fulfillment.