The Defining Decade: Book Review

In the past four weeks I have graduated from college and found the reality of careers, options and lifestyles hitting me in the face.  I spent the first three weeks overwhelmed, and the fourth I found clarity and direction thanks to a lot of prayer and the help of a great book; The Defining Decade.  

Author Dr. Meg Jay begins the book with a metaphor describing the life of a twentysomething:  

"Ian told me his twentysomething years were like being in the middle of the ocean, like this vast, unmarked body of water.  He couldn't see land in any direction, so he didn't know which way to go.  He felt overwhelmed by the prospect that he could swim anywhere or do anything.  He was equally paralyzed by the fact that he didn't know which of the anythings would work out.  Tired and hopeless at age twenty-five, he said he was treading water to stay alive."

It was this metaphor that connected me with the book and met me exactly where I was at.  Relief rushed over my body when I realized I was not alone in this ocean, and that there was such a kind author reflecting light on the situation.

That's what The Defining Decade is about.  It is learning "Why your twenties matter--and how to make the most of them now."

Meg Jay, PhD, is a clinical psychologist who specializes in the development of young adults.  She holds a private practice in Charlottesville, Virginia, and is also an assistant professor at the University of Virginia.  With years of research and working with twentysomethings, Jay is a very well educated opinion leader on the subject.

In her book, The Defining Decade, Jay teaches and relates to twentysomethings through three major sections: Work, Love, and The Brain and the Body.  Through each chapter Jay exposes the lies of society and presents factual truth about the lifestyles and yearnings of young adults.  She uses her personal case studies along with a wide variety of research to back up her argument.

The book has been named a 2012 slate.com staff pick, and Jay's work has appeared in the New York Times, Los Angeles Times, USA Today, Forbes and NPR.  

Overall, I deeply enjoyed the book.  It forced me to see my life as a reality and not an abstract phase of transition-to-thirty.  Half way through the book I was overly motivated to take a job position I had previously turned down, so I did.  Honestly, I owe Dr. Meg Jay a huge thank you for that push.  I now feel like I can live my twenties with much more purpose than I had originally intended.  For any young soul searching and piddling, I recommend this book as a method of self examination.   

Why Are You Here?

Sundays are good days for slowing down, stopping, and thinking about things.  Today we slowed down and watched the movie, "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" (2004.)  The movie is excellent.  It reminded me of the need to slow down and appreciate my purpose in life.

I think we sometimes get on the whirlwind of life, going around and around so fast we forget to breathe.  But it seems to be the slower moments that make the faster moments worth while.  "The Five People You Meet in Heaven" challenged me to stop and think about some things in my life.  Who am I helping on a day-to-day basis?  Who am I hurting?  How can I spend more time with the people I love the most?  And how can I make sure that these people know how much I love them?

Each and every one of us has a divine purpose under heaven.  God miraculously designed it that way.  He designed each of us as a very specifically crafted piece to the giant puzzle.  There are no strangers, just people you haven't met.  There are no random acquaintances.  Every small hourly job is significant.  Each person you pass on the street is meaningful.  Our friends, our family and our business acquaintances are all connected some how.

I think after we leave the finiteness of earth, our minds expand into seeing time a little bit more like our creator sees it.  The older you are the quicker you watch the time fly by.  I hate this, because I can't stop it.  I realize that everything is fleeting and only God, his word and the souls of men last forever.

Because of that truth I used to think that everything outside of church and Bible study was meaningless.  If only three things last forever, why spend time doing anything else?  Why have a job that takes away from that?  Why do things that are only fun for a little while?  It made much more sense to only focus on what would last.

Fortunately, God intervened.  He gave me an anal break and taught me to enjoy life as it is.  I don't have to be perfect, but I'm still learning to let that go.  I don't have to study the Bible 24/7 because it is completely impossible and completely distracting from the real life that goes on beyond that.  I love to worship my Lord and go to church, but I have a social, professional, and personal life outside of that.  These lives are not separate, they are simply different compartments of a single picture.

I think it is interesting that we don't choose as much as we think we choose.  God's plans are sovereign, and that is the truth.  I think our hearts are our guides, and even though we sometimes push against them, we still end up right where God puts us.  Take a minute and look at where you are at.  What specifically are you doing in this chapter of life?  Why did God put you there?  Maybe you hate it and you can't wait to get out of that place.  Perhaps you see it as a waiting period and you are wishing the time to hurry and pass.  Regardless of how you see it, you need to appreciate the moment and understand that purpose lies in you being there.

Now look at the people around you.  Do you see how you effect them on a daily basis?  Is it good or bad?

I think I spend a lot of time wishing I had everyone I love in one place.  After large family or friend gatherings I get really sad.  I just want everyone to stay close by, forever.  Everyone needs to live in the same town as me so we can all be close and happy forever...at least that's the way I see it.

Unfortunately that cannot really happen.  We all have to live in our specific places to fulfill our specific roles.  If my aunts lived in Frederick all the time they wouldn't be able to help people in their towns.  And if my best friends from college didn't do what they do, they wouldn't be where they are supposed to be.  God has a reason and order for everything, we just have to accept it.

Sometimes the over-achiever in me gets anxious and irritated because things aren't perfect.  I want stuff to be in order and by the book every time.  Yet, the more I see of the real world, the more I am understanding the irrationality of this thought.  A lot of times life is about picking up the pieces, feeling in the gaps, and making the most of what's in front of you.  It isn't always glory, perfection and picture-perfect.

It's the gray areas that trick me.  I'm prepared to go all in, or not at all, but when something requires an in-between stage, I panic.  Earlier this year I had a lot of growing pains.  I didn't want to be where I was supposed to be, and I didn't want to grow apart from my friends.  I wanted to do what I wanted to do and leave everyone else out of it.  George Bailey thought the same thing when he graduated...

What happens when you graduate college without a promised career, husband and best friend?  God doesn't care if you didn't have this in your plans, because his are the only ones that matter.

Which is funny, don't you think...life coaches, books and motivational speakers tell you to make plans and goals for yourself--which I totally agree with and do often myself--yet in the end it is God who determines your success or failure with these goals and plans.

I guess that is why I have always marveled at Proverbs 16:9, "In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps."

There is an acquaintance I've met who I find very interesting.  He is one of the best at his craft.  He's one lots of awards around the world and makes lots of money doing what he does.  The funny thing is he works out of a crummy old shop and receives not much notice locally.  He told me once that he had planned to move to the big city and make it big.  It seems to me that he has everything he needs to do this, so I asked him why he never did.  He had a kid, so he stayed in this small town.

I think that is a familiar story for many of us.  While it is easy to blame unplanned inconveniences as excuses for not living out the plans we made for our life early on, I think that this is quite the opposite.  These "unplanned inconveniences" are actually God's humorous way of saying, "Never mind.  Turn around.  Head west instead of east."  God does it so sneakily that we often don't see it as him.  We see it as our arch-nemesis attacking us hypothetically some how, or our bad karma for being naturally sinful humans.

A change of perspective is a powerful thing.  

Just Flow

"Everything has a natural place. Stuff naturally falls into place under the laws of the universe and the hand of God, we just have to relax and let them fall into place.  Much like painting or styling hair, we can't force things to go where they don't belong.  Or pottery, for example, have you ever tried to force clay where it doesn't want to go?  It's natural form holds some truth to it, regardless.

In the same way, God created you for a specific purpose.  You are to reach a certain people group that no one else can, and your story is to be unique from everyone else's.  

So why do we worry so much about fitting in or not fitting in?  Why are we in constant fear of being judged?  

I've come to find out that you will be judged regardless of the path you choose."  

Excerpt from: "How to Follow Your Arrow"

I come back to this blog post tonight because I have been struck by the thought of this idea once again.  As I lay on my couch reading about an advertising method that doesn't challenge the competition by fighting harder and being more competitive, I am reminded of the simple beauty of being.

Work smarter not harder.

Martha and Mary illustrated the idea for us in the ancient times of Jesus.  Martha worked her rear-end off preparing for a big event.  She cooked, she cleaned, she picked up and threw out.  She minded all the details and fretted over each item that might explode into an unwanted catastrophe.  She had it all together because she was aiming at being THE BEST event holder.

What happened next totally threw off the plot.

Jesus.  The game changer.

He always did the unexpected and said the opposite of what you pegged him to say.  He did this in a simple and sophisticated way that got people's attention.  Much like what Mac does with computers, Jesus did with life.

You see, while Windows and the world are fighting for our attention, promising the unpromisable and clawing their way into our brains, Mac and Jesus are laid back, being the awesome selves that they are.  With M & J there is no striving.  There is no competing and putting opponents down.  It is all about the peace and freedom that comes with being.

And so, Jesus told Martha to take a chill pill and congratulated Mary on being...Mary.  She was comfortable in her skin; relaxed and carefree.  Mary didn't go out of her way to change her behavior, clothes, house, and display.  In fact, she probably walked up to Jesus on the street casually and started up a conversation about where old sandals ended up after deterioration.  

I'd call that integrity.

I'd also call it captivating.  

If you've known me for any period of time, you probably know that my favorite life-changing book is Captivating, by Stasi Elderedge.  Women of all ages need to read this book.  It simply says, hey sweetheart, you're beautiful just the way God made you, and when you accept that and quit trying to be perfect, flawless and bulletproof, the world will take you in as a rose that has blossomed.

The thing about beauty that grabs your attention is that it isn't trying.  It isn't starving itself or pushing others out of the way or faking its way to the top.  Beauty is beauty because it is.  God is God because he is.

"I am who I am."

With Jesus it was that simple.  And he was!

He is.

The most successful marketing campaigns are the ones that just are.  They aren't the multi-million dollar, one-uppers--they are the ones who have found rest in being themselves.  Avis, we are #2...we try harder.

At times you may be tempted in your own life to force something into existence.

Recently I desperately wanted to move out beyond the six walls of Oklahoma.  I love this country but I so desired to see another state.  I wanted to be adventurous and carefree and brave!

Every day for three months, I woke up and tried to force a post-college decision for my life.  And every afternoon I would change my mind, knowing that deep down it didn't feel right.

My delightful friends told me I was a planner and organizer, trying to live a carefree, unpenciled life.  "It's just not you," they explained to me one day.  I was amused when I stepped back and looked at myself.

Yes I am bold and adventurous, but moving around to strange places by myself with no agenda was definitely not going to help me feel purposeful and accomplished in my life.  I still admire and covet the souls who can do this, but as for me it's just not there.

I was offered a position in my hometown.

No.  It's too predictable.  I don't want to go back yet, I had arranged that for later on in my life, not now. I need to go be free and do some random things first.

So I turned the job down.

Then I did nothing for a month...except grow restless and crave duty.

They called again...

I had a cry fest in private with Jesus and told him I would not do it.

Then I stopped, listened and shut-up.

Peace fell over me and God assured me that this was where my heart belonged deep down.  

I knew at that moment that home was where I needed to be.  It's where I always wanted to be, it just wasn't how I had planned it.  I was trying to force an escape route to be someone else rather than comfortable excelling in my own purpose.  I realized that God already knew his plans, and he designed me to fulfill them in a very specific way.  Fighting that way wasn't getting anyone anywhere.  It was surrender to the obvious that brought me to God's will.  

We can't force clay to be something it doesn't want to be.  Life is being, and being is freeing.

 Just flow..and you will.