From A Grandson

What I learned: Legacy.

From the time I was a kid I had always heard about little things my Grandma had done for other people. Most of it included some kind of baking cakes; bread, all sorts of treats.  One thing I specifically remembered was my Grandma teaching adults how to read.  She taught reading as a second language to international folks, and later I learned she even taught adults that just needed help learning to read.

About a year or so ago Grandma was having an episode; it was one of those times we thought she was about to leave us. Our family had split up into shifts to stay with her overnight. Haley, Jodi and I gladly volunteered to stay and we treated it like a big sleepover with our Grandma. We laughed, joked and carried on like we do. There was a moment during that night Grandma was having a tough time and it took all 3 of us to keep her under control. It was one of the first times I remember seeing true fear on my Grandma’s face. 

 She was scared, she was hurting and there really wasn’t much we could do to stop the pain. We managed to get Grandma settled into her bed, still stricken with panic she reached over to her nightstand, picked up a bible and began reading. I looked on with amazement, she wasn’t reaching for a hug from us, or asking for medication, she was reaching for comfort and she knew the only true comfort would come from the words she had lived her entire live by.  After a few moments reading her bible she calmed down and began to rest. 

She had found her comfort.

When this past weekend came it was once again time for our family to divide up into shifts to stay with Mama, Grandma.  Haley, Jodi and I took the Sunday night shift. We decided this night we would treat it like a sleepover again, just like any night we ever stayed with Grandma. We pulled up chairs around her, shared some good memories, and talked about life. 

 I found Grandma’s Bible laying on her night stand and remember the last time we were all staying and Grandma’s.  I thought it would be good to read to Grandma from her Bible. When I picked it up it fell apart into several pieces--it had some miles on it. My thumb happened to grab a page that was entirely appropriate for the moment.  Psalms 6. The chapter talked about a person crying out to the Lord for relief from pain.  The author pleaded to God for rest for their tired bones.   I read it to myself in the moment… I felt the tears in my eyes and I knew I couldn’t read it aloud, I handed the book to Haley and she read it aloud while we all listened. We kissed Grandma Goodnight and she went to sleep.

Over the last year I have found myself at different times lost in my own life. I without thinking went straight to the shelf and grabbed the Bible and turned to a page and just read what I found.  It wasn’t till just a day or so ago I realized without even knowing it; Grandma had passed her legacy to me.  In addition to many others, she had also taught me “how to read”. 

The Best is Yet to Come

God has a way of giving us a handful of very specific events where we are required to put everything on hold and just enjoy and love on our families.  Weddings.  Births. and Deaths.  These are the three big ones.

If you don't count my favorite kitten, "Pudgy" who died when I was 8 years old, I have been blessed in that I spent 22 years and 4 months and 20 days on this earth before I had my first experience of losing a loved one.  For that I am thankful, but also inexperienced in what to think or feel.  I also count it a blessing that I had time to prepare for this, and was warned several years in advance that time was running out.  I also have a wonderful Mother and Father who always made it a point to teach my brother and I the importance of loving our grandparents.

Before I go on, I do wish to explain that I process and heal through writing, and so I do not wish to upset or offend anyone, only to encourage.  These are stories about life, hope and Jesus...not death.

I don't remember her much before the age of 12, although she was always there, in fact she was 70 years old the year I was born.  I guess it just takes a person a few years of living before they really get conscious about life and relationships.  About the time I hit that stage I remember helping my mom, aunt, uncle and cousins move her into assisted living.  She had 20% of her heart left and "only a few months to live." ...little did they know my Grandmother was born with 9 lives.

I spent the next 8 years loving my grandma as best I could.  (Special thanks to the Lord for giving me a mother with this same attitude.)  I was also blessed enough to live in the same town as her twice.  Both times I felt very strongly that God placed me there for a reason.  Those were my special years with Grandma.

After leaving class or work my sweet-tooth would really kick in and I would start craving my Chocolate Reese's Mix with whipped cream from Braum's--fortunately I knew that my sweet-tooth was inherited and a very special predecessor just happened to live down the road from Braum's and around the corner from me.

Those Mixes made for some really sweet times between the two of us.  I think ice cream can only make one other person happier than it does me--and that person was Grandma.  She really loved some chocolate!

It was one week ago today when my Grandma passed.  Over this last week I have come to realize that her love for ice cream wasn't the only thing she passed on to me.  In fact, I've noticed we are actually very similar in many ways.

• First of all, we both drive like "bats out of hell."  I heard a story on her this week about how she never stopped for stop signs.  When my aunt confronted her on the bad habit she answered, "If I need to stop I will!"  I laughed so hard because I just told one of my friends the same thing two weeks ago.  I also get made fun of for driving with my seat really far up and close to the steering wheel...something she did too.
• When I took my senior picture I hung it up next to Grandma's wedding picture in her bedroom.  That day I noticed for the first time how similar our face shape and features were.  I looked like her!
• Most importantly, my Grandma was one of the most devout and sincere Christians I know.  Although I can't say the same about myself, I can say that Jesus is very important to me, and Grandma and I talked a lot about religious things.

She really had the faith of a giant and I admire that.  It wasn't something she donned as she was older.  It was a steady stream throughout her entire life, and this speaks volumes of her character.  I can only hope to be more like her with each passing day.

On the last night she was with us, my cousins Randy and Jodi and I stayed with her in her room at the assisted living home.  She had been unresponsive all day and so our main job was to watch her breathing and make sure she got her pain medication regularly.  We knew it was coming, we just didn't know how or when.

All the family had been called and everyone had said their peace gave their love.  While much of the family was willing her to stay, I was willing her to go.  I knew where she was going, I knew it was real to her, and I knew she had worked unyielding her entire life for this very moment.  She was about to die, she was about to live, and I really felt more like a cheerleader by her bedside instead of a mourner.  I just couldn't stand to see her in pain--especially when I thought of the joy that was on the other side.

Around 6 p.m. that evening I snuck away from the crowd and wrote out a prayer to our God.  

"Lord, I want you to take my Grandma.  She deserves the heaven she has worked so hard for.  You are her hope and you are her salvation.  She is so ready and so happy to see you.  Reunite her with the one's she loves.  Give her a peaceful going.  I know it is what she would want.

Everyone is upset with her going but father I want her to go--to be happier. 
 I'll be fine without her for a while.  I love her and trust you.  Do what needs to be done. 
 You are in control and I am not.  I accept that and I don't want to change that. 
 Let your will be done and not mine.  Amen and Amen."

Around 1 a.m. the next morning, Randy and Jodi and I sat around Grandma...talking and laughing; telling stories.  We opened her worn out Bible and read to her, then kissed her on the cheek and told her goodnight.  We all weren't asleep for more that 15 minutes before Grandpa came back and got her like he had promised 24 years earlier.  It was the most peaceful and perfect way she could have gone.

The death of a loved one is hard, no matter how they go.  But losing someone and knowing exactly where they are going, makes it a lot easier.  This is my story, about God's peace surrounding me on that day.

When the nurses came in for their 2:40 a.m. check-up, I immediately woke up watched them walk across the room.  Although they said nothing, I could feel the difference.  They had barely made it to her bed when one of them touched her foot and gently said, "She's gone."  I knew what I had felt, and I thought I had heard her, but I had to ask, "What?"  I was now sitting straight up and wide awake.  

"She's gone."

Again, I wasn't sure I heard right, and my cousins hadn't moved, so I asked one more time.  This time when the word "What" left my mouth, Randy sat straight up.

"She's gone."

The nurses looked at gently and probably hugged us as Randy and I woke up Jodi and fled to what had been Grandma's body.

I went into complete shock.  I thought I was going to puke.  My body began to quiver all over.  I couldn't understand what exactly had taken place in the short 30-40 minutes I had been asleep.

Randy and I made phone calls and then Jodi and I collapsed in the chairs by her bed.  I stared and I stared trying to understand.  Tears filled my eyes finally and I sobbed for a few minutes before the chaos really began.  Two aunts and one uncle rushed in and cried and hugged us, we all waited for my mother and Hospice to arrive.

Now I'm not sure when the next part happened exactly, but it was just like on the movies when something dramatic happens and everything around you is blurred with people doing whatever they are mindlessly doing, and the main character is hyper-focused on something specific.  That's what happened to me.  This was my moment, with God and with Grandma.

Somehow I found my way over to the couch I had napped on so many times before.  While the others were rushing around I zoned out completely.  I was half praying- half comprehending.  2 Corinthians 5:8 repeated itself over and over again in my head.  "To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. To be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord." The more I said it the more I believed it and tried to understand what was going on.  This was nothing short of the Holy Spirit guiding and comforting me like it so faithfully does.  I am also sure that it was that same spirit that propelled me to reach for the photograph we had looked at earlier in the evening.  

It was a picture of Grandma when she was very young, standing in front of a church.  It didn't mean much to me earlier, or even the years before when I had seen it, but that night--that moment, God was present with me, and he used the photograph to comfort me.

She was so pretty.  Petite.  Happy.  In love.  It was the prime of her life and she was either engaged or newly married to my Grandpa...the one she talked incessantly about all of my life.  (I haven't had the joy of meeting him yet.)  I gazed at this picture and thought how perfect she must have felt at the time.  No aching bones, no wrinkles or worries..just happy.

I don't know if it was purely Holy Spirit or a mix of that and some memories from reading the book "Heaven is for Real,"  but it was then that I felt a complete peace and apprehension wash all over my body.  That was the Grandma that was dancing now.  It wasn't lonely, worn out, aching and bent-over Grandma.  It was this beautiful, strong, happy, perfect Grandma..because it was her spirit and not her earthly body.  She got to be her best self again..only even better than that.  

I flipped the picture over and it read in her handwriting, "Fresno, Calif. 1943.  Thank you Lord for taking care of Earnest and me!"

First, I was amazed.  This woman had flown across the country to visit the one she loves and she was so grateful that the Lord had taken care of them.  That was the caption she had chose for the photo.  The Lord had taken care of them.  She wasn't talking about the event, the building or herself.  She was talking about the Lord.  The Lord and her husband. Neither were in the picture but both meant the world to her.  She loved them both as much as she could, and everyone always knew that.

Second, I realized she was in California.  This was strange to me because both generations of both sides of my family had lived in Southwest Oklahoma for as long as I could remember.  However, my grandparents loved to travel, and I didn't fully realize this until the past week happened.  They went everywhere together. Even after Grandpa passed, Grandma was always on a mission trip somewhere.  I felt God confirming my new-found desire to travel.  There is no telling how many more Christians there are in the world simply because my Grandmother took time to travel to Africa and Egypt and who knows where.  She shared God's love with every new destination.  My mother always said Grandpa wanted us to be "cultured."  That is the phrase that has been constantly replaying in my mind all year.  Now I realized it was what Grandpa and Grandma were.  Cultured.

Finally, I somehow had enough logic rolling through my brain to think about the date.  1943..how old would that have made Grandma?  I grabbed my phone, added it up, and to my astonishment it was 22.

Jesus was with me and my heart was at home.  This was the Grandma I would see again one day, and this is how I would see her.  Not only will she be beautiful, but she will be the same age I am now.  We were friends!

I had discovered that our spirits our ageless.  The next time I see Grandma, I picture us holding hands.  We are friends.  In a whole new way.  We share the same faith and hope for people.  We have like-minded goals and habits.  She loved fully and I want to grow into that too.  I feel like she will be with me wherever I go from now on.  Her and I can have chats, because thinking about Grandma at my age makes me think she understands a lot more than she did when she left.  I honestly believe that we would be great buddies, eating ice cream together and talking about Jesus--both as 22 year-olds!  What a pleasant thought.  

Our bodies are just temporary tents for us on this planet.  When we shed them our spirit goes to a new place.  A new home.  Christians go to heaven.  As soon as we leave this earth, we are in an undeniable presence with our Creator, the one who died for us and loves us unconditionally.

We will all be shiny and new then.  Dancing and singing his praises.  

Luke 23:43
"Jesus answered him, 'Truly I tell you, today you will be with me in paradise."

In a completely spiritual way, it was a few moments after Grandma's passing when I felt closer to her than I ever had before.  I had connected with her in a wonderful way that only a believer can understand.  God was holding me in his arms, reminding me that the best is yet to come.  

I love you Grandma.  I miss you already, but in just a little while I will be with you again and it will be far better than the last.  I can't wait to dance with you.  To see you and Jesus together.  You will introduce me to my beloved Grandpa I've heard you talk so much about, and we will all be together for the first time.  I want to praise Jesus with you and worship in his presence.  While you are having a good time up there, don't worry about us.  We will be okay, just as you reminded us the other day, "You're gonna be alright." 

Revelation 21:4
"He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither should there be mourning, or crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away."



For more verses about heaven: http://www.whatchristianswanttoknow.com/bible-verses-about-heaven-15-scripture-quotes/. 

Samson's Consequences

So I was going to call this post “Samson’s Second Mistake,” but then I realized I am kind of out of order with the story.  The real order of these posts should be like this:

Samson’s First Mistake
"Should I tell my boyfriend everything??"
This one. (Samson's Consequences)

Sorry for my silly confusion!  Anyhow, continuing from yesterday’s post, we know that Samson ignored the warning signs that Delilah was trying to kill him and decided to stay with her because he was “in love.”  This was his first mistake.

His second mistake was talked about in "Should I tell my boyfriend everything??"  I discussed how serious of a mistake it was for Samson to tell Delilah “all that was within his heart.”  I didn’t however discuss the consequences he faced because of that action.

Going back a step
In Judges 16, Samson finally breaks down and tells Delilah his strength is in his hair.  This was both a mistake of pride and a mistake of sharing too much of his heart.  Pride because he had the idea in his head that he was indestructible and telling a woman his weakness wouldn’t hurt him any.  How wrong he was. 

This was also a mistake of sharing too much of his heart, and we know that because Proverbs 4:23 and Micah 7:5-7 tells us that there are parts of our hearts reserved for God alone. (Read "Should I tell my boyfriend everything??" for more information.)

What happened?
So Samson makes the mistake of telling Delilah his weakness.  Of course, she calls her Philistine buddies in to test the theory—lo and behold it worked!  She woke him up saying, “Samson, the Philistines are upon you!”  He awoke and tried to rise and fight, but verse 20 says “But he did not know that the Lord had left him.”

Ouch.  Do you know what it feels like to have God leave you?  Did you blame God?  Get mad at him?  Scream to his face?

Or 

Did you stop and think, "where did I push him away?"  When did my pride step in and start taking control?  What did I do to disobey my heavenly father?

Taking the second approach can lead you back to God, repentance, and life.  This is a humble man’s attitude towards God, realizing that He his sovereign over all and we are mere humans who screw everything up when not in God’s perfect and pleasing will.

The first choice, however, can lead you to depression, destruction, and ultimately death.

Samson’s Choice
If you go back and look at the first part of "Should I tell my boyfriend everything??" I briefly discussed Samson’s arrogant personality.  Because he was very cocky and powerful, do you think he chose the first choice of hating God, or do you think he chose the humble man’s approach?

Sadly enough, Samson through a pity party instead of humbling himself.  After his head had been shaved and his strength (God) had left him, the Philistines wanted him to come entertain them; so he did.  He entered the arena with rage and hatred, screaming to God, “Please strengthen me just once more, and let me with one blow get revenge on the Philistines for my two eyes.”

Then Samson reached up and grabbed two pillars holding up the temple and pushed them up so that everything came falling down, crushing him and many others.

More Consequences…
Then the bible says, “Thus he killed many more when he died than while he lived.”  Basically he committed suicide and killed more people by doing that than he had while he was alive (which was a lot considering he won many battles.) 

I think suicidal thoughts creep in when we focus too much on ourselves.  Like Samson, we struggle with pride and often try to make all things about us, rather than God.  Suffering: for example. So a loved one dies, our natural tendency is to throw a poor me party and cry, blame God, become depressed, and eventually talk ourselves into possible suicide.  This is not at all God’s plan.

Even death and suffering is not about us.  If we make it about us the outcome will most definitely be miserable like Samson’s story proved.  And we will also negatively affect more people than almost anything else.

On the Contrary
On the flip side, if we chose to live our lives for something far greater than ourselves or any human establishment, we will see the hope, love, and mercy that God has shown us all.  Therefore rejoicing in his grace and passing it on to others, sharing the joy of true life with them.  Do you see now why God wants the best for you?  Do you see how he wants to include you in his wonderful plan?

What are you mad about?  What have you blamed God for that has been hurting you?  Perhaps you need to spend some time sharing that hurt and pain with God and letting him know how you feel.  Then lay down “you.”  Turn upward and focus on God.  Ask him to show you HIS great plan over yours. Tell him to show you how life focused on Him is far better than life focused on you.